Balance and Nuance

 I flipped a stranger off in traffic this morning. I haven't done that since right after my dad died. Did this stranger deserve it? Probably not, and I pretty immediately felt shameful about it. Until he then proceeded to run a red light so blatantly that I questioned my sanity and ability to tell red from green. 

I think that pretty cleanly sums up where my mind is at lately. I am mad and rageful and feeling all of my feral, witchy-woman vibes. I want to rally the sisterhood and storm to Idaho. I want to scream in the face of anyone who voted for this asshole and is now shocked that things aren't getting better. I want to claw out the eyes of anyone who wants to "protect women" by banning trans athletes for the sheer ludicrousy of the logic (for instance, does anyone think about who the trans men, who have likely been taking testosterone for YEARS, are now going to be competing against?! Let's "protect women" by putting actual men in the division. So fucking dumb)

And then at the same time I'm feeling called to the idea of joy being the resistance and enthusiasm being the greatest form of social rebellion. I want to love everyone to satiety and create art and music and beauty to counteract all the outright awfulness that seems to be every-fucking-where. 

So I flip off the man in the car behind me who is gesticulating wildly for me to crawl up on the sidewalk so he can turn ten seconds sooner, but then I'm feeling bad about adding to the negativity, and then he goes and proves that it was warranted. I am Stevie Nicks wearing brass knuckles and carrying a basket of muffins. 

I don't know what to do. I shout into the void about all the things because I want to make sure we don't inure ourselves to all the fuckery. I have 47 art projects going on. I'm making food and loving kids and trying to keep my head up and my nails sharp and I'm actively trying not to "play nice" or "fly low" when people say they didn't understand the half-time show or talk about some asshole's "autistic enthusiasm" 

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess because it feels like a lot and it is a lot and I wanted to put it out there plainly, but also because if you're feeling this way too, I wanted you to know that we're all here and we're all doing this and if someone tries to drag you out of a town hall, I promise to sit my ass in the aisle and be as heavy as possible.