this journal to my "Love" post, and then Memories came up! It was meant to be.
Tuesday, November 30, 2021
Monday, November 29, 2021
I have been deep in my feelings for a few days. This year has been rough, and this week was especially rough, and on top of all that we can throw in PMS and holiday crazy/anxiety, just for funsies.
I WANTED to lay in bed after work and eat my weight in chocolate while I watched dumb tv. But I knew that the truth was that I would feel better if I went to class (even if the WOD had 50 thrusters.)
The truth hurts (and so do my legs).
Sunday, November 28, 2021
I agreed to take Sydney to meet her friends for coffee this morning. I also agreed to sit far away and pretend that I didn’t know them. I had big plans to sip coffee and read for an hour but halfway here I reached into my purse and realized that I FORGOT MY BOOK. So I’m especially grateful for technology today, which is allowing me to pivot and watch Ted Lasso instead
*Update: It was a really sad episode and I 100% cried in the corner of Starbucks. In front of three tween girls. So that’s awesome
Saturday, November 27, 2021
Friday, November 26, 2021
I’m going to take a pass on this one too, since when a California girl talks about weather in mid-November, they tend to look like a real asshole.
But it IS cozy weather. This morning after waking up FAR too early for a holiday weekend I quietly crawled out of bed and snuck downstairs with big plans to snuggle up on the couch, drink my coffee, and finish my book, all in wonderful, glorious silence.
Sydney stumbled down about thirty minutes later and I reminded myself to be grateful for the time I got blah blah blah. But then she curled up next to me and went right back to sleep.
Thursday, November 25, 2021
Tuesday, November 23, 2021
Here is a thing I have learned/am learning.
Give me a scarcity mindset and I lose my ever loving mind. Give me a scarcity mindset and throw in a good dose of FOMO, and I lose my mind AND all of my money. And my time. And my ability to have a reasonable conversation. Turns out that I am 100% absolutely NOT a moderator
This post brought to you by the nap dress.
A friend of mine is OBSESSED with these dresses, and wears them daily. They look adorable on her. So I checked out the website. They're cute. The smocking is precious. They are...not cheap. But it's an investment! The whole concept is that they are cute enough to dress up but comfy enough that you can (and are encouraged) to literally sleep in them. So I join a FB page (in retrospect, here's where it went off the rails.) Then I find out there's a DROP! Like, patterns that no one has had. And then the drop happened and the dresses sold out fast and all of the sudden I became OBSESSED with getting one. But of course, now I couldn't because they were sold out. I could buy on the FB page, but the prices were super jacked up and I didn't feel great about sending a stranger a bunch of money for a dress that I didn't know would fit etc.
Guys? I have now bought FOUR. One from my friend, and then three from the website when there was a rare restock which I was alerted to by the thousands of women on FB. And here's the thing. It's not super flattering on me. Turns out small chests + big ribs + smocking is NOT the cutest look. I figured that out on the first dress. But nevertheless I persisted.
Today on the FB page someone posted about a DIFFERENT brand of dress that is both more my style AND cheaper and suddenly it was like the Reasonable Adult Angels sang and the Logical Sun shone again. I don't need to force these dresses to work just because lots of other people adore them. I'm a grown woman and can wear, or not wear, whatever I want. And I don't want four dresses that make me look like one of those match-a-head books where the bottom half is 12 and the top half is 40. I can just, stop obsessing about it. So I'm committing to my recover plan. One of the dresses is pretty cute, so I might keep it. The others I'll either return or sell, before I take myself out of the group (because that's not a great influence.) And then I'll buy the cute flattering one for cheaper on Friday :P
I am such a sucker for the "Must Have" I even googled it this morning trying to figure out what to get Averson for Christmas (my other two literally have socks on their lists). If you are a fellow sufferer of Must Have FOMO, what tricks do you have to keep yourself in check? I need your best ideas! And if you have any good ideas for a fun Christmas present for an eight year old that is NOT a living, breathing, animal, throw those my way too
Monday, November 22, 2021
Saturday, November 20, 2021
Friday, November 19, 2021
Thursday, November 18, 2021
Okay. Real talk. Today's prompt is "Self-Love" and honestly, everything I thought of had to do with *ahem* self-love or was so saccharine/cliché that I felt a little nauseous. Neither of those are really on brand, so I'm practicing self-compassion by deviating from the prompt today. Because while routine is wonderful, sometimes self-care means changing it up.
So how about a generic update instead?
We have family pictures this week and I'm about thisclose to cancelling the whole thing. One of my children, who shall remain nameless but who does not tolerate anxiety well, is freaking the freak out about their outfit and has changed it about 7 times in the last 24 hours. Each time, I'm slightly more tolerant and so this may be a really sophisticated manipulation because I've gone from a certain color scheme and level of formality to "I don't care. Just make sure it doesn't have food on it." And honestly I'm assuming the photographer can edit out the food so we're sliding fast. Alternative option is that our Christmas card this year is just a professional picture of me and stick figures of the rest of the family.
I met my 2021 reading goal this week and according to Goodreads I'm 9 books ahead of schedule. I'm not sure I'll read nine more by the end of the year, but maybe! I've read some really good ones so far.
I've also started Christmas shopping/list making. We're pulling back on screens a bit after recognizing that some of us are much happier without, which is lovely but has also cut down on viable gift options quite a bit. I'm thinking that this year is going to be a little more reserved. I really love the "want, need, wear, read" convention and so without tech, I'm focusing on "read." It's been fun to comb through booklists trying to find ones that suit each of the kids and their interests. Averson is reader so choosing her books has been easy, but I'm hoping I can get a few books that Eli and Sydney will be excited about too. I'd love any recommendations anyone has! Eli likes memoirs and Sydney typically likes believable fiction. If you have an 8-11 year old, on Averson's list so far is the Unicorn Rescue Society series and the Avatar graphic novels. I think I might get her the Tuesdays at the Castle series too. That seems like her gig.
I'm also combing through my Read list to find books to give as adult gifts. Have you gotten a book as a gift that was a delight or a slam dunk? I love to gift books since as adults, we typically buy anything we really need or want for ourselves.
Other things... A really wonderful friend has been making soup every week for my mom, and it's inspired me to up my soup game too. So far I've made a pumpkin soup that sucked the first day, and then was amazing as leftovers, a vegetarian chili with lentils, and a really good chicken and gnocchi. My friend delivered a parsnip and pear soup that was a huge hit and a broccoli soup that I put over meatballs and literally licked the bowl after.
We're back to being busy despite all my best efforts. Eli had his first high school wrestling meet yesterday, Averson is finishing out soccer, and because of course, C took on the middle school basketball team after their coach quit. My efficiency muscles are a bit rusty, but we're getting there. And we've still managed to start Squid Games which, I know we're behind the times a bit but seriously, WTF? I finish every episode thinking "Why am I doing this to myself?"
Wednesday, November 17, 2021
They are eating out of coffee mugs with mixing spoons. We are so invested in our ice cream situation that we don’t even let the mysterious disappearance of most of my spoons stand in our way.
Edit because it aligns with the theme for today: I'm reading this article about Trader Joes and just came across the fact that the owner/CEO intentionally made efforts in the 70's to employ women full-time in the stores. Since he also wanted to ensure that all employees could do all of the tasks, he also intentionally did not stock any product that came in cases weighing over 40 pounds. This seems like pretty masterful allieship, right? What do you think?
Tuesday, November 16, 2021
Monday, November 15, 2021
Phew! This posting every day thing is no joke! I do much better during the week, when I'm already in computer-mode. So today is a two-fer.
I talk often with patients about the importance of routine, especially when you are anxious or stressed. Routine takes some of the decision making energy off the table and provides structure and boundaries when the world feels chaotic. It also guarantees that the coffee is ready and you have clean clothes for the week. I know for myself that I really need this, and I feel it when it doesn't happen.
Like yesterday. I have gotten into the routine of using Sunday mornings as an opportunity to reset. I order my groceries, I do a more thorough clean of the common areas, run C and my laundry, vacuum and pick up my bedroom, and organize the calendar for the week. Then by the time the Sunday evening panic sets in, I'm already set and ready for the week ahead and I have the space and energy to tie up any loose ends that might come up. Yesterday, instead we spontaneously decided to go check out the new fish ladder and then go out to brunch (at Denny's, so fancy!). That pushed a lot of my planning/cleaning back, but then my first chore on the list was finalize family picture outfits and that ended up taking WAY longer than expected and resulted in a panicked marathon of shopping yesterday evening because I had everyone dialed in except myself and the only thing that coordinated was the dress I wore last year and I just could not accept wearing the same dress two years in a row. And because that got pushed, I didn't end up making dinner and had to pick up junk. And then over french fries C and I realized that it's No School November and that Averson has early dismissal all week, but of course the other two don't and we hadn't figured out the logistics and she's only partially vaccinated meaning that carpooling still feels a little uncomfortable, and that screwed up the whole calendar and will require that someone gives something up every day. On top of some other less blog-appropriate stressors, I sort of feel like I fell exceptionally short this week.
Not pictured: the dress I found at the THIRD store I went to last night
So my gratitude post turned into a whiny lamentation of all my short-comings, but I also am reminded how important it is to be a little proactive and how grateful I am for the weeks when being proactive is built into the routine. I gave myself a pep talk on the way into work this morning (because I was starting to spin deep) and I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm going to take a little time today to see what I can organize (like maybe going to the gym in the morning? God help me that's early). I'm also going to take my own advice and acknowledge that this week will likely be a shit show, but that's okay.
Saturday, November 13, 2021
I bought this patch at a craft fair today in honor of today’s gratitude challenge. My kids are at that awesome age where there’s a lot of snark and bickering, so I’m trying to keep Lag Liv’s mantra of “If you can’t be kind, be quiet” in the forefront of my mind. We are a house that loves teasing and sarcasm, and while it’s funny and good natured, it definitely tints the vibe
Friday, November 12, 2021
A teensy bit of a stretch, I’ll admit. I took today off and we had a delightful day. We started with a 6 mile hike (that people didn’t complain *much* about.) Then lunch at an actual restaurant and Syd asked if we could go to the gym.
It was Averson’s movie night and she picked Spin (super cute Disney movie about a DJ. The girl is so confident and sweet) and hot dogs and ice cream.
Thursday, November 11, 2021
Wednesday, November 10, 2021
"You are not a tree. If you don't like where you are, you can change."
This is one of my favorite mantras (along with "We can do hard things") because, as C has so helpfully pointed out, I am prone to satisfaction. Especially with jobs. I've stayed in jobs that were really, really not good for me because they were "fine." My last job was wonderful and I loved it, which made leaving hard. It was the right decision, but it was hard. My new job is good too. It's fine. But it is definitely different. I was trying to explain it to a friend the other day, and the best way I can say it is that I feel like I'm having adrenaline withdrawals. As a chief, my job at it's core was to lead in the face of chaos. There was a lot of chaos. In my current job, I talk to people, I help them, and then I go home. There is very little chaos.
Her response was, "Maybe what you needed right now was less chaos, so you have the energy to deal with everything else?" It was such a moment of profound clarity. Yes, my job right now is less exciting. I go to work, I do my job, I go home. Not great for party stories. But it also affords me the time and energy to support my mom, to go to the gym nearly every day, to deal with all the shenanigans that my kids are shenaniganing lately.
I'm always touting work-life balance, but it never occurred to me that it may take a big change to be able to adjust when I needed to. So today I'm grateful for the change, and that I was brave enough to make it. Even if my days are a bit more tedious and less stabby these days (for now, I'm ignoring a call from the school so that may change SMH).
Tuesday, November 9, 2021
The last few weeks have, from a parenting perspective, been...not great. The kids are older (and as I recently found out, take screenshots of the blog) so I won't go into details, but let's just say that I recently bought a shit ton of parenting books for "work" but really to manage my own stress and anxiety. Side note: If you have any recommendations, please leave a comment!
Monday, November 8, 2021
I have NEVER been able to keep houseplants alive. Seriously. I killed a 50 year old Jade plant. I killed ivy from my wedding, at a house literally surrounded by invasive ivy. I killed spider plants and cacti. If it was green, I was killing it. I kind of figured that I was already keeping so many other life forms alive that I should just accept my limitations and move on.
But then! I planted this funny little succulent from Trader Joes in a pot in the front yard and before I knew it, the thing had blown up. Then a friend gifted me a Jade plant for a housewarming gift and it didn't die. Then a rubber tree impulse buy, then a nerve plant that dramatically wilts when it's thirsty, and so on and so forth. And now I'm a person with plants in my house. Lots of them! (Maybe even too many. Who knows?) For my birthday C took me to a nursery and I asked the guy working there "Will I kill this one?" and when he asked how I do with other houseplants I sheepishly admitted that I'd been keeping several alive for enough time to discount luck as the reason.
It's a funny little hobby and I love it. I exclaim genuinely when I notice new growth and even texted a picture of a baby leaf to a friend. Plus it makes my house feel cozy :)
Sunday, November 7, 2021
I don’t know about you, but starting November 1 I am fully in holiday shopping mode, and I LOVE gift guides. These are some of the things that I have absolutely loved, and that if I ever get around to hosting a Favorite Things party will be at the top of my list.
These clips for the car. They will 100% change your life and I promise that you need them. I hang my water bottle and my purse from them and when I hit the brakes nothing falls onto the floor!
This travel mug/coffee press. It’s sturdy AND fancy!
Vinyl sticker packs. I'm obsessed with these and you get SO many for so cheap. Who doesn't love stickers?
Silicone Baking Mat. I am NOT a fancy baker. What I am though, is a lazy kitchen cleaner and these mats make it so much easier to clean up.
Help me out. What little things do you love that would make awesome gifts (for a Favorite Things party or otherwise)?
Saturday, November 6, 2021
We went to San Francisco! To a concert! With people! AND I wore a crop top.
Last time we went to a hip hop concert I got really sick because I’m so square that I’m literally allergic to marijuana. Turns out the masks are doubly awesome now. No COVID and I didn’t puke.
It’s weird to start doing normal things again, with strangers, but everyone had to show vaccine cards which made me feel a bit better. And it was so fun to date my husband for a night :)
Friday, November 5, 2021
A vegan, an Atheist, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. How do you know? Because they won't shut up about it.
Over the last six months or so, I've lost nearly 20 pounds, averaged 5 workouts/week, and stopped drinking sodas. It's the first time in my life that my focus has been on being stronger/healthier rather than on being smaller, and it's probably connected that it's the first time that my efforts haven't felt like self-flagellation.
I've been tracking my food, which in the past has been a bit of a minefield for me. Last night I plugged in the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (full-size, both cups) without a second thought. I'm sleeping better. I'm sore a lot of the time (in a good way) but my body feels strong and effective. My anxiety is so much less impactful and I feel overall more balanced and centered. I'm a huge nerd and sometimes will video myself in the gym. I was watching my latest tape this week and fleetingly noticed that my belly was...not shown in the most flattering light. I noticed it, and then moved on. I didn't obsess over it. I didn't get rid of that shirt or lament that my efforts weren't working or even let that stop me from sharing the video with a friend. I just...noticed.
It's really nice to fit into my clothes in a new way that I think is more visually appealing. What's even nicer is FEELING cute. It's awesome to break 100 lbs on a lift that I've been working on. It's even nicer to FEEL strong. Someone made one of those obnoxious "29?" jokes when they heard it was my birthday (BTW, that's obnoxious and patronizing and I wish people wouldn't do it) and while I did the stupid polite laugh, inside I wanted to say that I feel better now than I did for most of my 30s.
I am so grateful to finally be in a place of feeling good about my body and my health choices and even more-so, I'm grateful that my kids are in a house right now where they see their parents prioritizing wellness and health.
Thursday, November 4, 2021
As I was thinking about this prompt yesterday, I knew that I wanted to feature Sydney's laugh. I searched and searched for a video so that you all could hear her giggle and understand how magical it is. Her giggle is the unicorn covered in magical stardust and it's rare and fleeting but oh man. When you get it, it's pretty awesome.
It's so awesome that it made me decide NOT to storm into the bathroom at 9:30 last night when I heard the hair clippers buzzing and had no idea what was happening, despite knowing that I have already paid the deposit and bought the outfits for family pictures in ten days. I waited anxiously, even after hearing Sydney say, "I think I can fix it." I figured once they were in it, better to let them finish whatever was happening than to interrupt it half-way. Also I was tired and didn't want to yell.
Wednesday, November 3, 2021
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
After plant shopping shenanigans, I cleaned my house and got everyone ready for Halloween. Usually I don't like school night Halloween, but this one was totally lovely and everyone was done by 9:00.