The downside of kindergarten

Eli has totally kicked butt in the transition to a bigger, more standardized kindergarten. Every single thing that I worried about was a non-issue. He loves it. His teachers say he's one of the brightest, most polite kids. He keeps getting in trouble for talking over people. He has a ton of friends, homework, and a special snack bag.

BUT. There are a lot more kids in the class. 99.999999% of the time, this is great. The kid is a social butterfly and he loves having all these kids around. He is also a follow-their-lead kind of kid. And today that bit me smack in the ass.

I came home and Eli met me with a huge grin. "Mama, I learned a funny song from a friend today!" And then he burst into a short, catchy rhyme, with actions, that was probably funny. In the 50s. To middle class white men. And never around anyone they didn't know to be of like minds.

I love that he's getting old enough that I can go beyond, "We don't say things like that." It dovetailed with conversations we've been having about how he and his sister are mixed race and that they have several cultures to identify with. I think he got it, and later he apologized to me, his dad, and the people he might have offended. We talked about how he needs to think for himself and decide what's right based on what he knows and believes in. All very valuable lessons. But combined with the fact that we had to talk, yet again, about physical boundaries, good touches/bad touches, and in a moment of frustration, why some of the men Mama works with have to live in prison/there are bad people in the world, I seriously contemplated home-schooling. This shit is hard.

It's an area where I wonder how much is me being shrink-y and how much is me being a concerned parent. Am I over reaching? Should I stick with, "We don't do that." And how do I handle the fact that it is one kid that he seems to be picking most of these new things up from? I'd love to hear from other moms (and dads) who've had similar experiences. How do you handle this kind of thing?

The salad that defied logic

I refuse to allow picky eaters in my kitchen. That doesn't mean that there aren't any in my house, just that we don't talk about it. And our kitchen rotation is pretty predictable. Tacos, spaghetti, chili, meatloaf, and all the baked meats (pork chops, chicken, etc.). Every once in a while I'll throw something new in there, but rarely does it go over well. BUT...

One of my attempts to broaden my family's horizons was to add couscous to our pork chops, in place of the usual rice or potatoes. But I made way too much and ended up with not one but two big pyrexes-full of cooked couscous. I didn't want to toss it, so I checked allrecipes and found an awesome looking couscous and black bean salad. I knew my family would probably tolerate it, and I figured the leftovers would make good lunches.

I made a couple of changes, subbed green pepper for green onion because I misread the recipe, left out the corn because I forgot to buy it, and added chicken, garlic powder, and avocado. (I also doubled the dressing on advice of about a million reviewers).

Y'all? They LOVED it. Every single one of them. Eli scarfed a bowl and a half before I even sat down and kept going on and on about how we could make it again, add the corn, have this again, this is so good, Mama! It's like a culinary miracle.

I want to be like Bob

On New Year's Eve, as we were driving to a "family friendly" NYE party (that ended up involving a lot of alcohol and a bonfire), we were rocking out to Syd's new Ziggy Marley CD that Santa brought. This got C and I talking about what it must have been like to grow up with Bob Marley as your dad. In our imagination, Bob would've been the kind of dad that was super-super supportive and enthusiastic. You want to be a super-hero? Let's make a cape and develop your powers! You want to be an accountant? You account the crap out of those numbers! You want to dye your hair purple and perform interpretive dances? Rock on! Essentially, I'm picturing him as the kind of dad that would be the biggest cheerleader in the stands, or who would sit quietly next to you in meditation.

I want to be like that. With my kids, of course, because I feel like the world is full of people saying "can't" and my kids deserve at least a couple people saying, "why not?" but also with the people around me. I've been feeling a wee bit insecure these past few months, and that triggers an ugly side of me that's competitive and snarky. I don't like the snarkiness, or the places that the competitiveness drives me. I don't like living in that skin, and as one of my favorite pinterest pins says, "If you don't like where you are, change. You are not a tree." I want to be the person that says "Hey, I might not do it that way, but rock on. How can I help?" I want to be truly open-minded and to allow people to shine as they are. I want to see other people's desperate attempts to elevate themselves as just that, instead of personalizing it and attacking back. I want the light that comes from quiet confidence and peace.

So while in past years I've made very specific "SMART" goals, this year I'm being vague. I want to be more love and less insecurity. It's my mantra. As of today, it's been a struggle, but it's also another reason that I love the idea of all these changes happening in the next couple of weeks. New place, new home, (re)new attitude.

How to road trip with babies: Take 2

This last trip was our second back home. Last year's, quite frankly, sucked. I read all the articles and sucked up advice like oxygen on how to road trip with kids and arrive with as many souls as you left with. First piece of advice? Drive while the kids are sleeping. Sounds smart, so we left at 8:00pm. And Syd cried starting at 8:15. Eli held it together until 9:00. C until 9:15. It was awful. Not only did we have uncomfortable, forcibly restrained children, but they were also tired. It pretty much went downhill from there. This year though, I thought it out like a rational person and thought about MY OWN KIDS (I know. Ground breaking!) And let me tell you. This trip made the angels sing. It was so perfect we probably won't remember it in two years. Here's what I think made the difference;

1) We left in the morning, like normal people. The kids napped at the same time they usually do (although they stayed asleep a little longer.)

2) We planned to stop. This one's a biggie. I was raised in a family that road tripped like a remake of Speed. We drove until someone fell asleep behind the wheel. If it was at a motel, great, but a lot of the time we slept in our seats on the side of the road. My family? They don't really get the appeal of this approach. So on our 15 hour drive, we knew there was a clean bed and a swimming pool waiting for us around hour 7. We made it to the hotel in good moods and with enough energy to play both ways. Nothing like jumping from bed to bed to burn off some energy.

3) I stopped being so frugal. I love the idea of packing sandwiches and healthy snacks, eliminating fries and huge food costs. My husband and kids love McDonald's. So last year I fumed while they wolfed down mcnuggets and my sandwiches went bad. This year, we played on the playground and I ordered a salad. Win win. To make up the money, I did insist on eating the continental breakfast. Not great, but free.

4) Supplies. There were a few that were especially pivotal in our trip's success.

• For Eli, a lap tray and a cheap set of old-school style headphones for the DVD player. The tray let him play with cars, color, even nap comfortably and keep his stuff within easy reach. The headphones let him put them on and off himself, and control the volume when he was watching a movie.
• I made him a travel size pillow that he used a lot to help himself get comfortable or to lay over his tray and take a nap.
• For Syd it was the this bowl, which by the way totally works. I was skeptical but now I'm a firm believer. I hope the inventor is making a ton of money. I think we vacuumed up a total of 6 cheerios/puffs/edamame that had spilled out of the bowl.
• I also loved her "wings", which kept her from having to stay in the neck-crinky position for too long.
• We got each a kids Camelbak. New enough to want to use all the time (no juice boxes!) and didn't spill, ever.

5) The surprise bag. This one was probably the most effective and made the journey a lot more fun. I took a big tote bag and threw in there some toys I picked up at BigLots super cheap (a hot wheels motorcycle, a tube of tiny superheroes), a couple Early Reader books for Eli, a couple movies that were on sale at Target, a magazine I knew C liked, a new toy phone and a couple rubber duckies for Syd, some HFCS-laden fruit snacks, fruit leather, and a couple tubes of Pringles. And about every 3-4 hours someone got to pick out of the bag, but only if they'd been "a super good road tripper so far." They were all FABULOUSLY pleasant in anticipation of getting a turn. And if they got a turn, they also had a new fancy distraction for the next few minutes. I cannot recommend this one enough.

Looking back, these are the things I need to incorporate in every big road trip we make. Otherwise C and I yell at each other, Syd screams, and Eli whines. No one has any fun and it's really pretty miserable. We had a great time, the four of us on this road trip. There's a few things I'll probably add for next year.

1) Another screen/another portable DVD. Syd seemed kind of interested but couldn't see what Eli was watching.

2) Travel blankets and a travel pillow for the passenger seat. C tried to steal Eli's a few times, with no luck.

3) Books on tape. We downloaded a couple new albums, but I would've liked a book for when everyone was sleeping.

4) A "Motel Bag" We had to haul all of our stuff in each time and it was a pain in the butt. Next time I'll pack us each pajamas, a traveling outfit, bathroom stuff, and a couple toys. Easy peasy.

So that's it. The voice of experience. We'll see how next year goes. Anyone have any good travel tips for traveling with kids?

The Club (or Where I Get All Ranty)

When I had Eli, I vividly remember feeling like I had just gained membership to this super-exclusive, amazing club. Other mothers and I share conspiratorial smirks as our kids run amok and we half-heartedly try to reign them in. The empathic look as a mother wrestles her tantruming three year old out of Target. The knowing, inner glow that comes from watching another mom sway her baby, gently "shhhing" remembering the hours you spent doing the same thing, until anytime you stand still you still unconsciously sway. I love that. I love the knowledge that this motherhood thing is a team sport, and that for the most part, we all support each other, knowing that we're all doing the best we can. I love that, despite your methods, we all know the feeling of peace as you look in on your sleeping child. We all know the feeling of having your priorities completely rearranged by someone who weighs less than a gallon of milk. The joy of watching your babies smile. It's so interesting to me to work with the women that I do, because it really highlights how strong the bond between mothers is. I work with moms who've lost their kids, gave up their kids, shit even killed their kids, and yet, we're all in this together. The same look crosses each woman's face when she talks about her babies. We all just get it.

I feel strongly that we are all in this together. When I'm with my kids, despite the methods I claim to use or the "expert" I follow, about 90% of the time I'm really just trying not to fuck up too bad. I think that's true for most of us. We wing it. We experiment. We struggle, and when we find something that works we celebrate. Extended breast feeding, formula, co-sleeping, sleep training, infant potty training. They're all awesome.

I get so frustrated when parents start judging each other for doing the best we can. No one sets out to screw up our kids. Quite the opposite, we obsess and research and worry and beat ourselves up. But there are tons of studies that say the best thing we can do is try not to fuck our kids up too bad. I find that reassuring. For some people, their best means all organic, no vaccines, baby-directed, 24/7 baby-wearing. For others that means flash cards, Baby Einstein, the Ferber method and classical music in constant rotation. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that we're trying the best we can.

Despite the circumstances, I believe that we all love our children so much that it's indescribable. I believe that we all want the best for our kids, no matter how you define that. So daycare, formula, cribs, prison records. Let's all back the fuck off. This parenting gig is hard enough. I mean that both for those of us raising our kids and those of us who aren't. We all know the feeling that comes when that little person makes their big entrance, but we have no idea what's going to work best for another family. By all means, share your tricks. Listen to each other's struggles. Laugh through the frustration and at the utter ridiculousness of it all. Having kids is awesome, and amazing, and sometimes really really hard. But we're all in this together, and at the end of the day the majority of us are doing a damn fine job. Or at least trying not to screw up too bad.

Starting off on the right foot

C went out of town this weekend so I took the opportunity to be "the fun one" for a change. It was a total exercise in gluttony, if we're being completely honest. We made New Year's Cupcakes...

They taste just like they look. The most natural thing in them is the Spiderman wrapper.

I let the kids pick dinner, so they ate an entire pizza and three CANS of mandarin oranges. And the cupcakes.

There's water in her sippy cup. That's got to count for something, right?

By Sunday Eli was begging for fruit, so I'm calling the weekend a success. And joining weight watchers, cause I'm pretty sure my ass grew three sizes today.