Sunday, May 27, 2012

Know what's awesome?

I'll tell you what's not awesome. Working on a Sunday and then explaining to your kid that you have to work tomorrow and hear him incredulously ask "Even though it's a holiday!?" Yep, Kid. Crazy doesn't take a vacation, but Mama's co-workers do. And it's just salt in the wound that today was mind-numbingly slow. I don't know if they're trying not to rock the boat or if they're on REALLY good meds, but those guys were so, so quiet today. The only guys who wanted to talk were the ones who wanted to tell me how much they wanted to kill themselves, the voices won't stop telling them to kill themselves, they're going to kill themselves if I send them anywhere else, "Can you see if I've got any mail?" Grr.

I'm teaching Sydney to stomp her foot. On one hand, I know that I will regret this so very, very much but on the other hand, it's really freaking adorable.

I finally tried making freezer paper stencils and IT. IS. AWESOME. Syd now has per-her-request pink bus shirt and Eli has an original, Power Rangers inspired one. This could get ugly.

Eli got his first real skinned knees on the scooter today. I'd like to say that the kid took it like a champ, but he didn't. He gets a little histrionic sometimes. Luckily I had several superhero bandaids stashed in the stroller (because I'm a boyscout trapped in a 31 year old mother's body). Let's just say there was unnecessary wailing and at one point I had to walk away and let his dad (who is not well known for his patience and empathy) handle it.

Speaking of scooters, some punk kid tried to charge me on his while I was out running today. As in, swerved to head straight for me. Punk. He looked confused when I didn't move. I wanted to tell him, "Please. The last guy who tried that with me killed his family with an axe, and I didn't move for him either." But of course I didn't think that up until afterwards. It would've been pretty cool though.

Oh yeah. I started running again. According to my C25K log, I start running every May, and have still not finished the freaking program. But this year's different! (right?) There's a very cool looking 5K/10K here in September and it's for a very cool cause, so I'm challenging myself to run the 10K. And then if that goes well, I want to do the Warrior Dash for my birthday. We shall see.

I was trying to think of some cute way to wrap this all up in a nice bow, but it didn't work out. Honestly, it's more verbal vomit than a coherent train of thought anyway. You're welcome.

I tried to add some cute pictures of the kids but it keeps telling me that it lost connection with the server. I have no idea how to fix that, so we're going to consider it a sign and I'll put pictures up another time. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

And that's what 12 years gets you

C: Are you really painting a plastic dinosaur?
Me: Yes
C: Why?
Me: Because it was ugly
C: You're using my paint to pretty up a dinosaur?
Me: Um, no. And since when do we have separate paint?
C: Since always
Me: Seriously? Because I'm pretty sure that its always been common paint
C: I don't think so. I don't think California is a Common Paint state

Man. We are such nerds. Also, I'm pretty sure he's wrong.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Check him out!

Eli's had a bike since we lived in Oregon and a kid literally left it broken on our front lawn. He's always had training wheels on it, and much to C's (and my) disbelief, he never really cared about taking the training wheels off. Eli's a cautious kid, and he gets even more so at even the slightest hint of pressure. We finally had to stop trying to teach him because it was driving us crazy. Then he bought himself a scooter at a garage sale and took to it like a fish to water. Seriously, two days later and the kid was slaloming down hills. So we figured maybe he was just a scooter kid. Whatevs

Then two days ago, Eli goes out to the garage and sits on his bike. He thinks for a second, and then tells C that he can ride his bike. And shit you not, he did. 

Check this kid out...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Happy Birthday, Sunshine!

Helping me make cupcakes :) 
She's been asking for a month to ride the carousel, but when we got to the mall this bus was a much bigger deal.
All day. All day I tried for a single decent family picture and this is the best I got. Also, note Syd's totally fake pout. 
It just kills me how daintily she's eating this cupcake!
We had an awesome birthday celebration! We sang "Happy To You!," hit the mall for a carousel ride (and subsequently freaked out and refused to sit on a carousel animal), made cupcakes, took a walk to the duck pond, and opened presents. Syd ROCKED the cupcake dress and was perfectly adorable all day. One of her first gifts was an elephant that sings a birthday song, so all day she'd turn it on a dance. Someone asked me today if it was sad that she's two already, and all I could think is that two suits her.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ten Ways That Motherhood Has Made Me A Crazy Person

1. I'll drive to three different stores to find chicken nuggets with all natural ingredients, and then not blink an eye  
   when my kid eats it off the floor
2. Doctor's appointments are right up there with DisneyLand.  Waiting! With magazines!
3. $1200 for a bed for four seems not only reasonable but necessary
4. I regularly clap for natural (and usually private) bodily functions
5. Someone peed on my kitchen floor and I thought it was hilarious. Like, couldn't stop laughing.
6. As I near my car in a parking lot, I start chanting "Touch the car! Touch the car! Touch the car!"
7. I become paralyzed with fear anytime either of my children is too close to a banister, railing, or too-clean
    window. I fear that they will be possessed and jump, or that someone will push them, or the floor will fall out
    under them. Because that happens all the time.
8. I have thought through and strategized exactly what I would do if my car plummeted off the side of a bridge
    (hint, a hard-sided cooler is required).
9.  Most things I do are accompanied by a snazzy little song Who picks apples?! We do! We do! Do we pick
     apples? Yes we do!
10. I often refer to myself in the third person by a name that no one calls me. Just me. About myself.

How has motherhood made you crazy?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Kids' Craft Apron - Tutorial

We were at the Children's Museum a few weeks ago. The kids went immediately for the huge tubs of questionably-washable paint so I lunged for the smocks hanging nearby. And fell in love. These smocks were the most perfect, adjustable, cute smocks I'd ever seen. They put my dollar-store t-shirt split up the back to shame. As we left I checked the gift shop and was delighted to see that they were for sale. Except they were for sale for $25. So I went home and spiffed up my sewing "room." Altogether this project took about an hour and used materials that I had in my stash already. I'd say you could make it for $5 or less.
Squee! It makes me so happy :)
This was a practice run so I just used what I had in my stash. This fabric was leftover from my ironing board project. Next time I want to use something with a light coating (like a light oilcloth) but this canvas worked fine. I started with a rectangle roughly 2 feet long and 1.5 feet wide. Then I cut fairly shallow arm-holes On the bottom of the picture you can see that I hemmed all the straight edges but NOT the arm hole. This is important. 

When it's time to pin and hem the arm-hole section, you want to create a channel. I'm not a big "iron and pin the hem" person, generally just forging ahead and hoping for the best, but I highly recommend it for this project. The curve can be kind of a bitch. 
Sew around the curve but make sure to leave the ends open
I didn't have any good ribbon, but I did have some cording in the scrap bag. Next time I'd use something wider, but this works. I took a long length (again, maybe 2-3 feet), stuck a pin in one end, and ran it through the first arm channel. 

And this is where it gets brilliant. Come back around and thread your tie/cord/ribbon down through the other arm channel. 
Voila! Now you have a totally adjustable craft/cooking apron that can work for all sizes of your kids without having the front droop down to the point that it's useless. Bribe your children with stashed Easter candy and admire your handywork. 

I just noticed that there's no pictures of it, but the apron ties in the back, at the waist. FYI.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I think I'm done buying photographer Groupons or Living Social deals. There are obviously lots of sides to every story, but this is my blog and I'm pissed off so...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Conversations with a Psychopath

There are a few different types of people that I run across in my unit. Usually they're 1) lying 2) super crazy or 3) lying and crazy. Lately though, there's been a guy who I'm about 99% sure is a true psychopath. True psychopaths are rare, and they generally don't end up in a crisis bed unit. He's sort of defaulted to my regular caseload and it is so. freaking. cool. Seriously, it's so fun and so clinically interesting. The thing with psychopaths is that therapy is contraindicated, because it's been found to only make them better psychopaths. So I don't even have to put my shrink hat on. Our "therapy" literally consists of me letting him talk and studying what he's doing. 

This guy is creepy and makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. This guy talks about the murder he committed as "something that had to be done." One day, after talking with him, I walked away and had the clearest thought of what it must feel like to be prey. I've never felt so studied. This guy would eat your brains just to see what they tasted like. 

The key aspect of psychopaths is that they have no true understanding of empathy. They are singularly focused on attaining their goal through whatever means necessary, and it never occurs to them to consider how they may influence other people. They are also fairly emotionless. The best description I've ever heard is that angry criminals are like pitbulls, while psychopaths are like snakes. Pitbulls get angry and react. Snakes plan and execute. 

One day, as this guy was talking very logically and rationally about his plan to kill himself, I asked about his family. And for a brief second he faltered. So fascinating. But even better is how he recovered. This guy stops for a second, clears his facial expression, leans down, and softly says, "You know, I really respect women. Some of the brightest, most intuitive doctors I've worked with have been women. I just want you to know that I never underestimate the intelligence of a woman." In my head I'm thinking, "Do the lambs still scream, Clarice?"

I freaking love this stuff. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I'm Baaaaaack

I think I may be cheating a tiny bit by posting tonight and not tomorrow, but I don't know so I'm calling it good. Eli and I totally survived our Screen-Free Week. I thought Eli was going to struggle, but the kid ROCKED it. In fact, after the first day he didn't really even talk about it. He dutifully left the room any time anyone was looking at a screen (a self-imposed requirement. We weren't banishing him by any means) and took his dollar off the fridge at the end of the night. Several times he told us, "There LOTS of really fun things! I don't even miss screen time!" *swoon* Me? I didn't fare so well. I was absolutely fine with no TV (though I think knowing that my shows were waiting for me helped) but no internet was hard. I bent the rules and allowed myself e-mail access and the news at work. But I missed Facebook and blogs a lot. I also missed the ability to look things up whenever the thought struck me. What I didn't miss was trying to have a conversation while playing DrawSomething, updating my status, and read a recipe on-line. I also didn't miss compulsively checking my work e-mail for no good reason.

I asked Eli tonight what he'd thought about our week and he again said that he'd had a lot of fun. I think we're going to do it again. C suggested monthly (he and Syd inadvertently participated, which means my modeling idea FTW!) and while I like that idea, we'll see how it pans out.

This week was fun, and surprisingly not in a forced "cram the family fun in" kind of way. It was organic and easy and awesome.
I really wish she'd let me do her hair on a regular basis. How cute is this?
Projects! Tutorial to come. I'm pretty proud of myself.
Cleaned the kids' room. Forgot to take an "After"

Jumped out of trees. Really high trees.

C started a new hobby
We also took a day trip to the city with my dad. We had a blast, and I didn't update my location or status once (though I may have accidentally Instagramed)
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