Rebound effect

There's this phenomenon in psychology about when you medicate an illness, then stop the medication, the symptoms come back stronger than before. So if you have a person with depression and give them an awesome anti-depressant, they'll feel better. But if they stop the meds, they may end up more depressed than ever. Not the greatest analogy to what I'm writing about, but I think I have about six posts titled "The Crazy." And I think it sort of applies. Even C mentioned the other day that I've been "a lot calmer" lately, especially since we've been experimenting with the envelope system. I think he means that I'm not as much of a psychotic nut job/bad accountant and that I'm capable of having a conversation that does not include some reference to our bank account.

BUT, the last two days I've woken up running numbers through my head. This used to be the norm, but since I've started to put more work into "The Crazy," it hasn't happened for awhile. Not too concerning, two steps forward and all that nonsense. The budget didn't balance like I wanted it to this month. C's been gone for a couple of days, so I've been on single-parent duty. I haven't gone running in a few days and I've missed it more than I expected to. I've kept the kids up WAY too late watching movies, so everyone's been a bit amped. In short, when life gets a bit off-balance, The Crazy sneaks in.

Interestingly, The Crazy usually manifests itself in anxiety, but this morning I woke up angry. I think it's growth. I think it means that I've moved from burying my head in the sand to being frustrated that we're not making progress as fast as I'd like (that is to say, immediately). But I'm angry. I'm angry at myself, because I know that there were some really stupid decisions that contributed to our debt (like bailing an idiot out of jail stupid.) I'm angry that it took me this long to really "get" the importance of credit. I'm angry that I didn't have the confidence and foresight to shop around for a school that would have cost less. I'm angry at Suze Orman, who on a late-night show advised that you use your credit cards to get you through the early years (and that I interpreted as "live off credit, you'll pay it off someday!" though I'm pretty sure she meant "buy a suit and get a bus pass".) I'm angry at all the times we had a little extra and spent it, rather than sending it to a card. And I'm angry that we're not making the progress that I'd like to be (though I know that we're doing a lot better.) That morphs into unrealistic anger, like "Why are we living in a house when we could be in a yurt and putting the difference towards our debt?!" and "Why are we buying brand name bread?!"

So anyway. Yeah. I know that I'm being neurotic and logically I know that I'm being unreasonable. I know that we're at least finally doing something, and we are making progress (slowly). I try to assure myself that we're still young and that there will be an end to this, but Gah! It just makes me so mad. On the plus side, it's also keeping me motivated. I don't ever want to feel like we're stuck again. I want to pay this stuff off, and have the extra resources to save, or spend, or whatever. I want to teach my kids how all this money stuff works. It's also nice to know that I've got this little internal red flag. There have been times when this has gotten so bad that I probably should have sought medication, but now I just know that I need to take better care of myself. And when Mama's happy, everybody's happy.

What's your red flag? How do you know it's time to re-calibrate?

Vent

I think I'm done buying photographer Groupons or Living Social deals. There are obviously lots of sides to every story, but this is my blog and I'm pissed off so...

The CRAZY

Today I wrote checks for
-Rent and deposit on the new, more expensive house
-Daycare, including a week I apparently forgot to pay months ago.
-Rent for the house we're in

And soon I will write a check for the pretty impressive speeding ticket I got, while driving back from Prison City, again, and driving way too fast because I was all pissed off about a fight C and I were having about how to use the space in the new, more expensive house. A totally ridiculous fight, of course.

Last night I had a conversation with C about how I needed to clean the bathrooms before we moved out and "nevermind, I'll just take care of it." I don't remember any of it, because I was sleeping.

Yep. Totally crazy. Lord help us.

Fifteen minutes

It's 8:30 in the morning and today sucks. No, it capital "S" Sucks. It's one of those days where things just snowball, until you realize that there's really no way to turn it around. I woke up to my alarm at 5:00, only to find that I couldn't turn it off because there were too many people on top of me. As I brushed my teeth Eli came shuffling in, as he has for the past week, to shadow-kid my entire morning routine. He literally lays on the floor next to the shower. The cat puked in the hallway. No one's folded laundry in God-knows-how-long so I had to do the ever dignified dig for something acceptable to wear to work. I went to start my car, and found that C had left his keys in the door overnight. It took me five minutes to force the fucking key out of the door, while Eli sat next to the door wrapped in a blanket asking, "Mama, are you frustrated?" It's "C" show-and-share and Eli wants to take Tical (the cat of enormous size). Great idea, but not gonna happen. How about a camera? Can't find the f-ing battery. So he wants to take this quarter-machine ring that he gave me ages ago, since it's a "crystal." Sure, fine, whatever. Please be careful because it's very special to me. Blah blah blah. Literally as I'm walking out the door, just barely on time, C sends the baby out, saying "Incoming!" So back inside to situate the kids. Finally ready to go, I go to tell C (who is still in bed) goodbye and his parting words are "Take a deep breath. Try to calm down." I will tell you right now, saying "Calm down" to a sometimes high-strung working mother who currently is just barely holding her shit together is like writing your own death sentence. You may as well tell me to get back in the kitchen, take off my shoes, and remember my place.

I get to work, where a get a call from C who starts out saying, "You know that ring you gave Eli for school today? How important is it?" Deep breaths, because we both know where this is headed, and I'm trying to maintain perspective and not think about how Eli gave me that ring a year and a half ago because "It's beautiful like you Mama" "Well, Eli lost the stone and I'm trying to decide how much effort to put into finding it." If you'd seen my house this morning, you'd know that this was akin to finding the lost city of Atlantis. Deep breaths (though in my head I'm thinking "Did this really warrant a phone call? What do you want me to do about it?") "Oh wait, he found it. Should I let him take it to school? What do you want me to do?" ("Just super-glue the fucking thing. I don't care. I'm barely holding on and I've eaten two donuts since I got to work and everyone is looking at me with pity in their eyes and oh dear god I've lost all semblance of professionalism and I'm a walking fucking stereotype") "Babe? What do you want me to do? You know what? Nevermind, I have to go get the kids to school." Click. And then my head exploded all over my office. And now it's 8:45. It's going to be a long fucking day.

How we cope

It's only been a couple weeks, and I have run the gamut of completely freaking out clear to trusting the universe and being very zen, and back again. I seem to do okay, but then people around me start talking about it and my anxiety shoots through the roof. I am walking a very fine line of professionalism and appropriateness, which luckily my co-workers consider "genuineness." Because honestly? I was sarcastic and short-tempered and pouty today and I'm not a huge fan of myself like that. On the other hand, a supervisor told me that I seemed to "have a peace about you." To which I laughed like a deranged lunatic. Moving on. So how does a mental health professional such as myself cope during a time of instability and stress? I'm so glad you asked! Thus far I've

-Spent money like it was going out of style. Because Eli MUST have a hoodie! Right this second! To replace the one he lost! Even though it's over 80! And Syd needs pajamas! And I need skinny jeans! And notebook dividers! And pumpkins!

-Tried to sell anything that's not nailed down on craigslist. But then hid the money away like it never existed. See? I can save! And I'd bet that the $10 I made off that Johnny JumpUp is going to make all the difference.

-Freaked out about money. I find myself compulsively balancing numbers, even numbers that really don't mean anything. Oh yeah. The Crazy? Back with a fucking vengeance.

-Productively contacted other possible places of employment. Had great conversations.

-Freaked out because it sounds like "realignment" will be based on seniority, not merit or fit. Which means that I will likely end up in Bum Fuck Nowhere.

-Applied to work in New Zealand. Which I am sort of, not quite, maybe, we'll see what happens, considering.

-Blown my diet, restarted, blown, and restarted. I've lost almost ten pounds, but man, I forgot how amazing brownies can be.

-Disgusted myself with a variety of unattractive qualities, including jealousy (savings?! How do you have savings? Why can't we have savings!?), spite (oh so many examples), and opposition.

In other news, the kids and I went to the coast this weekend and it was lovely! We spontaneously jumped in the ocean, explored pirate caves, and ate way too much. We slept in, stayed up late, and jumped on beds. Eli was brave and Syd was crazy. I loved it.

She does this thing now where she poses and then waits for me to take her picture. She was obsessed with sitting on these pumpkins

A true flip!

This? This was awesome.

Gratitude

I am realizing that The Crazy is likely going to be something that I always go back to when my stress reaches critical mass. The fact is, we will never have "enough" money. Just like I will never have enough time, be ready for another kid, be stable enough to buy a house. There's always another rung to climb. When I was in graduate school there was a time when C and I were financially stretched thinner than thin. We were on food stamps, and our monthly budget was less than we pay now for one week of daycare. Tonight I'm grateful that 1) we can afford awesome insurance 2) we can afford a co-pay when one of the kids complains of a stomach ache and spikes a 102+ fever 3) we're secure enough that I don't resent paying the co-pay when he's diagnosed with a "stomach bug" and of course, miraculously recovers an hour later. And above all that I am grateful that my instincts were wrong and he doesn't have appendicitis. AND I'm really grateful that he's fully toilet trained and apparently can wipe his own butt now.

I used to know this girl...

But then her head exploded because 1) she was crazy and 2) see number one. Seriously. I don't know how much of this I can handle. Logically, I can tell you this: My world has been very LOUD lately. Syd does this awesome screaming thing all. the. time. Eli talks constantly. At work, the women are doing a lot of psych hospital type yelling and also some verbal assaults. I forgot how desensitized you can become to being called several creative and not so creative slurs. I'd been called a bitch several times by the end of Monday. I've got a couple of cases at work that are getting attention from higher-ups, not necessarily in a good way but in a "not sure we're confident she knows what she's doing" (though I totally do) way. Though my caseload is low (thank you Summer!), the clients I have are very demanding right now. AND I have no car and no plan to remedy that situation. Also, though I totally refuse to acknowledge that it might have something to do with anything, a certain *something* came back for the first time since Syd was born, which if you count is the first appearance in over two years if you count the miscarriage before Syd.

I can say all those things logically, but I've got to say that I feel just one step away from losing it. I went back to the dealership, where I had a lovely hour with a salesman and then was given a price higher than the one yesterday! Syd, with the screaming. And if she does, by some miracle go to sleep, she's usually got one hand down my shirt like some teenage boy at his first basement party. And there's so much talking. And for the past two days I've eaten stale cupcakes for dinner. And there are lists, and lists, and lists of lists. The stupid van is still stupid and the borrowed behemoth took $25 in gas to run errands tonight. So using it for the 1800 mile road trip next week? Will. be. awesome. OH! AND one of Eli's friends mothers wrote me an "informative e-mail" suggesting that Eli hit and punched her daughter before calling her stupid and therefore causing her to never want to go to school again. Um. No. I'm the first to acknowledge that Eli's a little different and that he marches to his own beat, but I can say with at least 95% certainty that that shit didn't happen. And I can say with 100% certainty that if it did, someone would have told me about it. So back the f off, chick.

I know I'm the one responsible for my attitude, and generally I'm pretty good at staying optimistic. I hate getting in this rut because I know what I'm doing (perpetuating my frustration and ruining my overall sunny disposition) and yet I can't seem to kick myself out of it. I tried to visualize what it would be that would make me feel more settled, but I'm in such a funk that I can't even imagine something working out in my favor. This place is so pathetic, and yet, here I am.

I think my first step is going to be to throw out the cupcakes...

So about those resolutions...

Last year I made two respectable resolutions. The first was to get all of my photos into albums before the new baby came. Not so much. What I did accomplish was weeding out 8 million pictures from my "artsy" phase of flowers, zoo animals, and old barrels. Note to self: Never, ever, ever take another picture of an animal at a zoo. No one cares. I also tried to organize the 10,000 or so pictures from Eli's first year, gave up, and reprinted them. Uber helpful. So now I have a nice, neat Shutterfly envelope of pictures waiting to be put in an album, a box full of pictures waiting to be put in an album, and poor Syd. None of her pictures have been printed because I haven't even bought her album. So Resolution #1? FAIL.

Resolution #2 was to deal with The Crazy. This one went much, much better. The Crazy is what happens when I get too stressed out. I think about it like this. Most people have an "issue." This could be their kid's safety, their weight, how clean the house is, car repairs, whatever. Mine's money (I know, I know). So the point of the issue is to have a place to focus your attention when your life gets too stressful. Rather than think about, worry about, or deal with the actual stressors, I focus on our bank account. It has at times gotten so bad that I'm compulsively balancing our accounts in my head 24/7. I wake up thinking about what checks have cleared and what bills are due. I check our accounts on-line many, many, many times a day and have near panic attacks every time. Then, in order to keep my "issue," I'll go shopping and spend money we don't have. It's a vicious cycle.

There's no reason for me to freak out so much, but it's my "issue" and it keeps me from having to worry about the real problems. This resolution went much better. I still feel the urge to focus on money when life gets crazy, but I know what I'm doing and I can usually keep it in check. My debit card got hacked and our account was cleared out right before Thanksgiving and I was remarkably calm about it. I don't do the tight fist, tight fist, shopaholic cycle anymore. I've become a lot more egalitarian with C and our shared money. And I feel like I've done a much better job of identifying the true issue and dealing with it, rather than burying my head in our bank account. So Resolution #2? TOTAL WIN.

I am so excited for 2011. Possibly more excited than I've ever been going into a new year. I just got licensed. C and I have a solid plan for getting ready to get ready to think about buying a house. C's got awesome plans for the next year, and we're finally in a position where they're feasible. The kids are amazing, and will both be super cool ages this year (Syd'll be 1, Eli'll be 5). It's just going to be awesome. So I'm not making resolutions. There are things I want to do. Pay down/off credit cards. Lose weight. Be healthier. Get those damn pictures in an album. Be a better mom and wife. But mostly, I just want to remember what an awesome time in our lives this is, slow down, and enjoy it.

And maybe get a family picture with all of us smiling at the same time.