Friday, April 22, 2022

I took boudior pictures and you should too

Back in February I got a wild hair that I wanted to do boudoir pictures. As is my style, I had a thought and then had fully booked and paid for a session within the span of about 6 hours, and then promptly freaked out about all the things. The nice part about being impulsive though is that I'd booked it inside the non-cancellable window, so it was happening whether I liked it or not. If you're considering getting naked in front a stranger and then documenting the process and you think you might be a little uncomfortable with that, I highly recommend my strategy. 

I have been working really hard and I feel more confident about my body than I ever have before, but I still thought my lifelong love/hate, mostly hate relationship would come out in full force either during the session or when I saw my pictures. I was really, really worried about it. Like, she sent a survey that asked about any concerns and I replied, "I'm afraid I'll cry."  It's wasn't an unfounded concern. I've spent so much of my life focused on all the ways I thought I was falling short that I worried that something like this would set me back. I worried that my flaws would ruin it.  I so desperately wanted this experience and I was so, so nervous that I would somehow screw it up. I was certain that I was setting myself up for disappointment. You know that feeling, where you want something so badly that you worry that there's no way it's going to live up to what you're hoping? That's where I was. 

Spoiler alert: I definitely didn't cry. If anything I think this experience may have resolved what I'm starting to realize was body dysmorphia once and for all. In fact, I'm having to consciously restrain myself from inappropriately showing the pictures to people who definitely don't need to see me in my underthings (and less.) I can't wait to do it again. I think everyone should do it. I wish I'd done it sooner. 

Y'all. I think this was one of the best, most awesome things I have ever done in my entire life. It was so fun to be pampered and to feel opulent for the day. I purposely chose a higher end photographer because she included hair/make-up/wardrobe/studio. I literally showed up and that was it. The lead up was nerve wracking but the day of was that awesome feeling of "Fuck it. We're doing this." and being able to lean in fully without worrying about whether I was doing it right was really nice. The make-up artist made me look like me, just fancier (lashes!) and then the photographer walked me through everything so I didn't feel at all awkward or weird like "I don't know what to do with my hands"

C, as you might guess, is also thrilled that I did it, and he was super supportive when I floated the idea, but I genuinely did not do it for him (though his response was a nice bonus). In fact, I think even if I didn't get pictures it would have been worth it just for the experience. There is something so powerful about doing something that makes you nervous with positive results, and being able to see yourself in a new way. I look at these pictures and I absolutely feel beautiful, but I also feel proud, independent, and powerful. Not really things that are typically triggered in the day to day monotony of making a living and raising kids and holding down the fort. I think there's something really profound in the act of literally stripping down, getting away from all the trappings and labels. It's intense and honestly, it's pretty magical. 

If you’re in Northern California, I cannot recommend Colleen highly enough. She’s awesome  and I think she would’ve made the day incredible even if I had cried

Monday, April 18, 2022

Last Kids on Earth

I have been doing a lot of things and blogging few of them, which I know I’ll regret. Today I’m home sick with some kind of head cold that is not Covid, but also felt like might be poor show to try to work through, so I’m taking the opportunity to catch up. Starting with Averson’s big event, a Meet The Author for one of her favorite books/shows, Last Kids on Earth. As part of the event she also got a signed copy of the book being released that day, which she thought was about the coolest thing ever. 

When it was her turn to ask a question, she asked “Why do you insist on writing more books?” I’m sure she meant it well but the adults shared a collective pause. Then she got a very honest answer. He’s under contract for two books per year, April and September. Three left in the contract and then he’s done. So…maybe not that off-base


Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Follow me for more parenting tips

 I sent this to our family group chat

I told Eli this week that if I caught him eating in his room again I was taking his bedroom door. He’s so stubborn he’s not eating now. 

Averson confessed that she was “a little scared” last night after watching a Dahmer video with Sydney and my mother, even though “I’m probably safe because I’m the wrong age. And the wrong gender. And he’s dead.” 

Sydney chose the Dahmer video and I vetted it as the most appropriate option for public viewing. Guys? I know who Dahmer is. 

One of my children did this and I’m not even all that surprised 

Sunday, April 3, 2022

Career week (alternate title: Fangirling librarians)

 This last Friday I presented to Averson’s class for career week. It was via zoom, and last minute, so unlike years past I did NOT over prepare. Or really prepare at all :/ Luckily I’d at least asked Averson for tips and she suggested highlighting how much school I’d gone to and leaving lots of time for questions. 

I think it went well! The kids actually had questions, thank God, and now that I don’t work in a prison they were definitely more diverse. I did get asked if I’ve ever had to call the police or the FBI but most were along the lines of “what does your day look like” and “what’s your favorite part of your job?” One kid asked what I would be doing if I weren’t a psychologist, and for some reason I totally blanked. Guys, I have an answer! I have a good answer! And I totally couldn’t think of it so I think I said “teacher” or “writer.” 

Both of those are good, but you know what I really would be? A librarian. I remember considering it in college and not wanting to lose my love of books, but I had no idea at the time all that librarians do. I think if I had, I 100% would have gone into library sciences. Yesterday I was telling a friend about how our library just added cake pans to their catalog and she told me that she DOESN’T HAVE A LIBRARY CARD. I geeked out on the community impact of the public library, and why it’s so important to patronize the library, so hard that it got a little awkward. 

I just love the whole concept of an equal access resource so much. Our library abolished all late fines post pandemic, after being able to show that people continued to return books without them. My local branch, which is in an area with a lot of homeless people, has free feminine hygiene products in the gender neutral bathrooms. There’s a seed library! I’m sure there’s drama and bullshit but I would love to be in the meetings where they say “Hey! We need more of this thing in our community. How do we make it happen?” My dream is to get to pick a book for a”staff picks” display. If I got to make a whole display I could just die happy on the spot. 

I want to hear from librarians. Is it as awesome as I think it is? Or am I totally fangirling? Or if you’re burnt out, do you want me to make your display for you? I totally will

If you weren’t doing what you’re doing (librarian or otherwise) what would you be doing instead?  

Friday, April 1, 2022

Billie Eilish

Tuesday afternoon I got a text from C that said "Want to go see Billie Eilish with Sydney tomorrow night?" Turns out he had a friend who bought tickets forever ago and then last minute couldn't use them. Sydney has loved Billie Eilish since she was small (she reminded me that she once sent her a DM on instagram telling her that she bought her book and that Billie responded with a heart emoji) and now I'm afraid that all future events will pale in comparison. She declared it "The Greatest Night of My Life" 

In line waiting to get in

She had no interest in wandering around the venue and wanted to make sure we were in our seats as soon as the opening act started. Then when Billie came on stage she was fully rapt, and occasionally she would whisper, "I think I might cry" or "I just love her so much." She sang every song. 

I like Billie Eilish's music, so I figured I would enjoy the concert, but I wasn't expecting to like it as much as I did! She did such a great job of managing the mood of the show, and had such a positive, lovely energy. There's a part where she outlines her rules for the show and she said "First, don't be an asshole. Second, no judging anyone here. Finally, you are 99.9% in control of whether you have a good time tonight or not. So put yourself in the mindset of having fun and let's have a good time." Maybe I'm hormonal or maybe I'm sentimental but that was the part where I thought "maybe I'm going to cry too" And then she kept talking about how close she and her brother are and I totally did cry. So fair warning if you're going to the show. You're probably going to cry. 
Terrible concert selfie

Happiest. Girl. Ever.