You know those moments when you think you're pretty hot shit?

This year I finally thought to make copies of some of the pictures my mom has from way back when. Most are adorable baby pictures that illustrate just how much Syd looks like me and also show that Eli got his weird, awkward smile from his mom. But some are just pure awesomeness. Behold

I can pretty much guarantee that Gilette or Billy Joel was playing in the background. Also, pretty sure there's a half can of Herbal Essences hairspray on those perfectly coiffed bangs.

At the time I thought it was perfectly natural for a woman to ask a bunch of delinquent 16 year-olds to model wedding dresses at a bridal show. Even better, she let them all do their own make-up. Now? I'm thinking there was some awful bus accident that kept all the real models from making it. Seriously, one of the other pictures has a girl carrying a baby down the runway.

 

This one's just adorable. I guess if we really need to mock something, it could be the macrame wall hanging, but really? Curlers and footie pajamas? That's the definition of Hot Shit. 

Procrastinating

I'm "frantically" trying to get us ready for our annual epic road-trip, and so of course it feels like the perfect time to update the blog :) This year we've made a big addition to the trip in that I was able to procure a cargo carrier for the top, piece by piece, via craigslist and ebay. I'm hoping that this will be a huge improvement to shoving every free spot full of our various accoutrements. *hoping* It's used though, so it's one of the old school ones and stands a good three feet above the car, basically ensuring that at some point I will drive under one of those "Clearance 9'" signs and shear it off. Another "improvement" I've made is that I made a bigger deal about buying snacks ahead of time and I've forbidden C from stepping foot in a gas station on the way. That one backfired already, after I totaled the grocery bill and found that I've invested about $100 in road snacks. Seriously. Maybe we'll be too full for actual food?

You guys cracked me up with your comments from the last post! A few responses:  I would counter that I still hold eating crap as grosser than eating vomit, (brace yourself) because vomit has already been in your mouth  whereas feces was somewhere else entirely. My opinion on penile insertion? First, for the uninitiated, penile insertion is when men stick foreign objects in their, well, in their penile. I've seen, well not SEEN but heard about paperclips, pen fillers, paper, staples, and occasionally bits of chicken bone. This one falls into Not Crazy to me, because I just can't see how crazy people would thing that was a good idea. Also, it's never "discovered" that they've stuck something in there, but rather they announce it to anyone who will listen. Talk about conversations you never thought you'd have. This is also one of the few areas where women don't do anything similar. I remember one woman who used to stick sharp things in her belly, but those were "discovered" so fully in the Crazy category.

And speaking of crazy, I've been watching/reading a lot about the shooting in Aurora. First, I may never go to a movie theatre again. I have no idea how I would react in such a crazy situation (except that I'm certain that neither C or I would put the baby down and run). It's a horrible, senseless tragedy and my heart goes out to everyone who was affected. I'll be interested to watch the trial, and I'm hoping that James Holmes starts talking soon so we'll have a better idea of what the hell he was thinking. I have some thoughts, but I think I want to put more thought into it before I put it out there in the world. For now, based on footage of the arraignment, I think that he's on a whole lot of medication in the jail. I also don't buy the whole "I'm Joker" thing. My guess is that it was a smart-ass comment that made a great media soundbite.

And on a lighter note, I'm still running, but I have no idea whatsoever how far I'm going. I downloaded one GPS program on my phone and was using that. It was consistent but I began to suspect that it was a bit generous. Not much, but telling me that I was doing an 8 minute mile when it was probably more like 10. So that made me question my mileage. On the recommendation of a friend, I downloaded another program so I could cross-check the first one. I had my best run ever, 12 miles in 48 minutes. Seriously. Then I stopped and bench-pressed my car. So I downloaded ANOTHER GPS, and this one tells me that I was doing a 7 minute mile. While I was walking. I'm so frustrated! Also, a little freaked out because I registered for a 10K the day I ran 5.5 miles. Which in hindsight was probably more like 2.5 to everyone in the world except me and my stupid phone.It may be a looooong race.

Okay, back to packing. I guess my family will probably want underwear at some point during this trip, so I should get on it.  

Catch up

How has it been a whole week?! It's been a busy week. Work sucked. It was loud, and smelly, and crappy. People broke out windows, lots of pepper spray, lots of tension. At one point I said to a nurse, "I don't care about behavior, but I am sick and tired of naked people." I'll blog about it at some point, but right now I'm just tired of it. Luckily things seem to be calming down.

A friend of mine came to stay with her family and we had SO. MUCH. FUN. It's so cool, because we started at blog friends, then FaceBook, and we finally met in person last year. Turns out we're so much alike it's eerie. Seriously. So, so much alike. And our kids are carbon copies too. I mean, how many kids have daytime and nighttime toothbrushes? It was a short visit, but we kept four kids under six up running amok FAR too late, and then we stayed up talking until almost three.

Eli turns six tomorrow. That feels so bizarre. Six is solidly in "kid" territory. I don't know if it's me or him, but he seems so mature lately. It's a pretty low-key birthday, but we're excited. Expect pictures!

Know what's awesome?

I'll tell you what's not awesome. Working on a Sunday and then explaining to your kid that you have to work tomorrow and hear him incredulously ask "Even though it's a holiday!?" Yep, Kid. Crazy doesn't take a vacation, but Mama's co-workers do. And it's just salt in the wound that today was mind-numbingly slow. I don't know if they're trying not to rock the boat or if they're on REALLY good meds, but those guys were so, so quiet today. The only guys who wanted to talk were the ones who wanted to tell me how much they wanted to kill themselves, the voices won't stop telling them to kill themselves, they're going to kill themselves if I send them anywhere else, "Can you see if I've got any mail?" Grr.

I'm teaching Sydney to stomp her foot. On one hand, I know that I will regret this so very, very much but on the other hand, it's really freaking adorable.

I finally tried making freezer paper stencils and IT. IS. AWESOME. Syd now has per-her-request pink bus shirt and Eli has an original, Power Rangers inspired one. This could get ugly.

Eli got his first real skinned knees on the scooter today. I'd like to say that the kid took it like a champ, but he didn't. He gets a little histrionic sometimes. Luckily I had several superhero bandaids stashed in the stroller (because I'm a boyscout trapped in a 31 year old mother's body). Let's just say there was unnecessary wailing and at one point I had to walk away and let his dad (who is not well known for his patience and empathy) handle it.

Speaking of scooters, some punk kid tried to charge me on his while I was out running today. As in, swerved to head straight for me. Punk. He looked confused when I didn't move. I wanted to tell him, "Please. The last guy who tried that with me killed his family with an axe, and I didn't move for him either." But of course I didn't think that up until afterwards. It would've been pretty cool though.

Oh yeah. I started running again. According to my C25K log, I start running every May, and have still not finished the freaking program. But this year's different! (right?) There's a very cool looking 5K/10K here in September and it's for a very cool cause, so I'm challenging myself to run the 10K. And then if that goes well, I want to do the Warrior Dash for my birthday. We shall see.

I was trying to think of some cute way to wrap this all up in a nice bow, but it didn't work out. Honestly, it's more verbal vomit than a coherent train of thought anyway. You're welcome.

I tried to add some cute pictures of the kids but it keeps telling me that it lost connection with the server. I have no idea how to fix that, so we're going to consider it a sign and I'll put pictures up another time. 

Just another Manic Monday

I started taking B12. It's basically crack sold by the health food store. A long time ago, I had a bit of a problem with pseudo-ephedrine (or a big problem, depending on when you ask me). Luckily for me they took it off the shelves, I gained a bunch of weight, and didn't have a heart attack. But the B12 is awesome, because it's all the good stuff and none of the heart palpitations. Win win! So this morning I got to work, ate my breakfast, and couldn't figure out why I couldn't keep my eyes open. Goodbye coffee, hello vitamins! Moving on...

I got to work today and there was the weirdest vibe. If it'd been a movie, there would have been ominous music playing in the background. My radar must be working because a couple hours later there was a big "incident" and the whole place got shut down. The lockdown didn't change much in my day, but the whole prison was very, very quiet. So weird.

One of my co-workers, my fellow Sunday psych, is leaving the prison to work for the UN in a warzone (on purpose). 1) How fucking cool would it be to work for the UN? and 2) pretty sure I don't have the cajones to do it. Today is his almost last day so we all bought food. If you ever want to see a work group implode, make them choose a cuisine, decide on an order, and then split the check. OMG. They/we finally decided on Thai, which I'd never had but was tired of talking about. It was DELICIOUS. I'm making it a personal goal to convince C to try it so that we can work it into the rotation. Driving home I was hit with a craving for a nice, cold beer so I stopped and grabbed a six pack (that's probably happened three times ever).

I came home to find C on the couch with a killer headache and 70 degree weather, so I quickly put pants on the baby and headed to the park. Where Syd climbed the rope ladder and Eli did the monkey bars. !

It turns out I'm no longer able to cook without Pinterest. But when I do, look out! Tonight I made a chicken mushroom pasta with cream sauce. So easy and so good! After dinner, the babies played on the back porch and blew bubbles while I enjoyed my beer. Doesn't get much lovlier.

There are Joe Joes waiting for me (and a big pile of laundry that I'm ignoring). I'm also simultaneously talking myself into and out of buying a dress for Syd's birthday. It's totally ridiculous, but yesterday it was $10 and today it's $15 so I'm totally obsessed.

Totally random

We've been having a small issue with our old landlord and his returning our security deposit. After several "reminder" calls, he wrote C today to ask for our address. A week after he said, "I'll put it in the mail first thing tomorrow!" When he told C "I would've had it to you sooner, but you requested copies of the invoices" C flipped his lid. He wrote back a pissed off e-mail, and then I got to researching and drafting a more assertive letter. I love, love, love writing things like this. It was awesome! And I got an e-mail back that said, "You should have your check tomorrow." Done.

I think I'm in at work. I had an issue with an inmate last week when he spit on me (hit the glass, no big deal). The next day he tells me I'm "sexy, like Wonder Woman" and then threatens to kill me. So I have to write him up for all of these. Which means I have to tell my boss and the unit's custody boss that someone called me "Wonder Woman." Aaannd...Commence the teasing. But I'm in. This is going to make my life so much easier.

Sydney says "Pepperoni." It's the cutest thing I've ever heard. It comes out "Popper-ononi" Adorable.

Turns out, when we have company C and I bicker like we're 80. Its a really attractive quality, though it's also kind of fun. At one point today I actually said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll keep my opinions to myself, take off my shoes, and get back into the kitchen." WTF?

Eli's freaking awesome. His dad bought him foam-ish nunchucks today, which is super cool but will eventually get him into trouble. My money's on tomorrow.

Also today I found the most perfect superhere art for the kids' room. Now I just need to buy a poster off Etsy and that room should be done. So excited!

Random random random

I've officially reached that point where, during the course of my day, I think "I should totally blog that!" BUT I'm also finding myself to be really busy and so when I get a chance to actually sit down and do it my mind is more "Uh...yeah. More pictures of the kids? Or some whiny rant about work? Eh." I can't even come up with FB statuses most days. But I hate it when I let it go too long between posts. Plus, I'm scheduled for my very first bikini wax in about 45 minutes and I'm trying to distract myself from what I anticipate will be a very awkward situation (thank you groupon, for making me think I need things I'm too embarrassed to actually do.)

So I present to you

Eli's new trick

and subsequent head injury

Sydney's duck face

Yoga pants I MADE (out of an old turtleneck, how green am I?)

On the work front, we've gotten a huge influx of new inmates and so we've been really, really busy and it's a been a bit chaotic. Add to that that the state just announced that they will be laying people off and work's been a little tense. I'm trying not to think about it too much because like most things around here, it's going to be months before anything happens. BUT if you happen to want to hire a psychologist who is most often described as "real" and will likely show up to work with banana smeared across her shoulder, you may have found your girl.

Speaking of head injuries, my kids have been knocking their noggins like nobody's business. We had Eli on the swingset. Then he knocked Sydney off that little climber backwards. This morning C tried to start a pillow fight with Eli and gave him a black eye. Then at the doctor's office Syd fell and gave herself a giant goose-egg. I'm starting to think I should be socking away money for future neurologists bills.

Like I said, random. I do have some posts brewing, including one about how I accidentally agreed to start training for a half marathon. In two months. At the crack of dawn. Eeek!

Random thoughts

This is how Syd would eat every meal if we'd let her. If she ever went feral, I think she'd do Just Fine.

It's been almost a week since my last post. C is working overnights, meaning he literally leaves as I'm crawling in bed and gets home as the kids and I are walking out the door. Though I'm asleep (or more often in bed watching True Blood on the iPad) while he's gone the schedule has really done a number on me. Today I am exhausted. Luckily the kids didn't nap and can't tell time, so all were in bed by 7:30. I'll be following shortly. But in the meantime, random thoughts.

-I have an urge to do a major purge, like almost everything purge. I want a home with things we love, and things we can find. Right now it's more like a home with 8 million socks and a large collection of McDonald's Happy Meal toys.

-I have a client right now who is taking up about 90% of my time with what amounts to a constant barrage of complaining. It is so exhausting that today I realized that I'm avoiding going to the unit just so I can stay in the quiet of my office. You know that Family Guy clip? "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom." "WHAT!!!!" "Hi!" It's like that. Except that she's also got a criminal mind and so I'm never quite sure if I'm being manipulated or not. Super fun.

-We booked tickets to Portland. I am so ridiculously, disgustingly happy about this. I just want to sit in Pioneer Square and absorb Portlandia. Then I'll put a bird on it.

-We had friends over the other night for beer and pizza. The boys played PlayStation and the girls sat on the back porch (at my patio set thankyouverymuch!) while the kids played in the kiddie pool. Syd shit on the sidewalk. I am not the one who discovered this. Then I cleaned it up with a Target bag over my hand. I think the fact that it was Target makes me classy.

-The dog appears to be going deaf. Or obstinate. Or both. I figure she's earned it. Though C being gone is making her paranoid and skittish. Unfortunately, I can't figure out whether I should be worried or sad when she perks up her ears. Poor Haley.

-I'm thinking about doing the South Beach diet. Thoughts? Any one have any experience with it?

-Yesterday I had to explain to my very sweet, very conservative supervisor, and my raunchy, super smart but at times totally inappropriate supervisor, what "scissors" (I was going to link to it, but thought better of it. Google for more information) were. And I tried to use only PG words. Think about it...

I keep meaning to write a post about The Ominous Donkey. Pulling up to my house the second or third time on our trip home, I notice this concrete donkey that's been painted purple with red paint dripping down the sides. Hmm. Mom says, "Before you say it, we have no idea where it came from." And it's not like she lives on a busy street. Her driveway alone is a quarter mile long. So someone drove down, then dropped off, The Ominous Donkey. I'm not sure you can tell, but it has one ear, no tail, and "Gangsta" writing on one side saying "Do some hoodrat shit." You can't make this stuff up. So I let Eli ride it.

-I'm in a funk today. Help me out. Tell me the most random thing that happened to you this week.