Friday, September 30, 2011

Is this how it's going to be?

The shock of yesterday is starting to wear off, and it's so interesting to see how people are reacting to the reality of all of the layoffs and uncertainty. I talked to a friend today who said she felt like nobody was as heartbroken as she was, that she felt somehow that she was taking this too hard. Another friend spent all day on the verge of tears. Work today was pretty sparse, so I don't know what some people are doing. I'm guessing that there's a lot of drinking and bad tv. After the tears yesterday, I switched into this almost-obnoxious PollyAnna mode. "This could be a great opportunity! We're all going to be FINE! We'll make this work!" And I meant it. But I woke up this morning, and in that haze right after your eyes open, I thought to myself "Fuck. That really happened." And then I started thinking about what it all meant. What seemed like plenty of time yesterday seems like nothing today. I realized that we'll most likely have to move. I hate this town, but I love our friends. Eli won't be able to finish kindergarten with his friends. Syd will have to leave her beloved teachers. More packing, more moving, more trying to fit in and figure out and more more more. And before I know it I'm crying in the shower at the unfairness and the overall suckiness. But I can't live there, so I pull myself back together and go to work. I'm glad I went. I got some good leads on possible positions (including some really awesome possibilities). I got organized and back in "job search mode." It was good. There's part of me though that is really trying to avoid other people. C was great when I told him, but you can tell he's freaked out. And he freaks out by picking fights about totally insignificant stuff, so it seems like every time I talk to him I get yelled at. Which is awesome. My friends are all facing the same crisis, so understandably not a lot of sympathy going on. Like I said, I cannot wallow in this. Getting shit done is kind of my specialty, and shit doesn't get done if you sit around freaking out or feeling sorry for yourself or obsessing over the location of the couch. On the other hand, I would really like someone else to be my shoulder just for a minute. Because this sucks. I love my job. I planned on being there a long time. Now I'm not. My friends all have their own obstacles, and that sucks too. It sucks going to work and being expected to reassure people who are most likely quite safe. It sucks when people say "This place is going to suck without you" because I. Don't. Care. I cannot be expected to feel sorry for you. It sucks that I'm questioning how much to tell my other lay-off victims, knowing that I could be competing with them for the same job. It sucks to see people who are less qualified sit easy because they've skated by for five years and therefore outrank me. It sucks that I'll have to find a new daycare, a new grocery store, a new park, a new house. A new fucking job. It all just fucking sucks.

So now that that's done, I'll go back to being Susie Sunshine. It's better than the alternative, which apparently is to freak the fuck out.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


At work today, right after a pretty intense session with a woman who gave me a laundry list of really horrible, lose your faith in humanity things that happened to her before the age of 16, we all got called into an emergency staff meeting. Which is never good. And it wasn't. We found out that a lot of jobs, including mine and most of my friends', are being cut early next year. We knew this was coming, but none of us had any idea how many people would be affected. It sucks. There were a lot of tears, a lot of freaking out, and a lot of numb staring at walls.

But now I'm at home. Eli's watching a movie, Syd is running around in pigtails repeating HAP-py! HAP-py! and I'm getting ready to make chili dogs (definitely took a break on the diet. I'm a walking cliche) and I think we're going to be okay. In fact, this may turn out pretty awesome.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm probably going to get fired

In the past three days I have:
Flipped off an officer
Sat on the floor behind the officer's stations saying "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck..."
Yelled at an inmate
Had an in-depth conversation with a black client about the viability of braids on a very white clinician's head (verdict? Braids are okay, beads are only for the weekends)
Flipped out on a co-worker about their scheduling a group (a more fun, more enticing group) at the same time as mine
Stomped my foot, in public
Said the word "Fuck" waaaaay more times than is professionally acceptable
Talked incessantly about my stupid diet, becoming one of "those people."

WTF is wrong with me? I'm not even especially stressed out. I've just apparently lost my ability to function appropriately around other people.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Ever the professional

I was walking with a group of my inmates today, coming back from the library. One woman wanted to show me "this great book I found!" So she pulls out a small book with the title "Love Your Body: Meditations to improve self-image" (or something like that). She was really excited about it, so I took it and opened it to see what it was about. Y'all. The page I opened started with this, verbatim. "I love my fingers. My fingers give me pleasure." I couldn't even help it. I giggled like a 14 year old and said "Seriously?" And then? She didn't get it, so ANOTHER inmate had to say "It looks like it's saying that you love to touch yourself." The passage went on to wax poetic about the "gift of touch" and how our fingers allow us to experience the world, yada yada yada. It didn't matter, the damage was done. I fumbled around to reframe or at least recover, but I don't think it worked very well. She took her book back and walked to the front of the line. And they're supposed to take me seriously? I'm going to call it "being genuine."

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Days like this

You ever have one of those days? You load up all the kids in the car, sniff, and realize that you didn't take out the rag your husband used to clean up after the carsick baby so now your new car has the awesome aroma of stale vomit? You trudge on, but as you walk your snowflakes into their daycare, you realize that both are wearing clothes that are quite obviously outgrown and worn through. No matter! You make the most of every day! So you drive, 45 minutes, to work and attend 8 hours of the most awful training you are required to do every year. Driving home, decide with your husband that you're going to live it up. Take a day off from the diet and go eat pizza? Splurge and then realize that after your diet, your body no longer enjoys pizza. Wish you'd had more salad, then feel both old and a little pathetic for having that thought. Decide to hit what everyone's saying is a great sale to maybe buy your kids some clothes. That no one else has ever worn. That fit. That they may even get to choose? Arrive at said store to find the sale racks picked clean of everything except SpongeBob paraphernalia and shirts that advertise "Daddy's Little Goldigger!" Continue to look, like the good stuff may magically appear, while your toddler screams and pinches and hits until you put her down, where she runs maniacally away. Take your 5 year old to the bathroom 3 times in 45 minutes, with no explanation as to why but you're not brave enough to deny him and besides, he's grabbing his junk like a Chester in the making so you better give the impression that this is unusual. Resign yourself to having complete ragamuffin children with shorts too short, grabbing themselves and assaulting their mother. Become "That mom?" In public, of course.

Yeah, me neither. I'm far too organized, awesome, and centered for a day like that.

Monday, September 12, 2011

South Beach recap

For those of you out there keeping track, today marked the last day of our official Phase 1 on the South Beach. C and I both fell off the wagon late last week, he to the call of a fast food burger and fries, me to a bridal shower with drinks and cake. We both got a bit looser in our commitment after that. But I will say, the morning after my discretion, while I didn't feel "bad" I didn't feel great either. Honestly, the best word I could come up with was that I felt denser. Grand totals? I lost 6 pounds and C lost 10. I'm not thrilled with my loss, though logically I know it's an accomplishment. I'm disappointed that I lost no weight in the last week, and actually gained a pound back.I still want to lose at least another 10 pounds, and this is a much healthier way to eat and the only thing that's worked very well.  I had planned to continue Phase 1 for another week or so, but with our falling off the wagon and subsequent "interpretation" of the rules, I think we'll start adding some things back in this week. I plan to continue to be very carb-light, but not quite so structured about it. As hard as it was to go out and find things that fit the diet when we go out (really not that hard. It's just that cake, lemon drops, and fries aren't included.", I really wish I had stuck to the diet for the entire two weeks. That's more me being a perfectionist than anything else though. So now to this last 10 pounds. Wish me luck!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

It was bound to happen

C and I were laying in bed this morning, squeezing out those last few precious minutes before you have to choose between dragging yourself out of bed or being negligent to the two unkempt heathens currently running amok in your bedroom. Eli and Syd had found their way into our bathroom and were playing nicely, so we weren't too eager to interrupt and remind them of their need for breakfast/cartoons/"that lego guy I had that one time that has suddenly become the only toy that will satisfy me!" As we were laying there we realized that it had gotten very quiet. Too quiet. So C calmly calls out "Eli? What are you guys doing in there?" "I'm reading a book to Sydney!" "Oh, that's great Bud! What a nice thing to do! What are you reading her?" "Puh, puh, Playboy?" Yep. That got our attention. Apparently the kid can read better than we thought. So C went in to find more "appropriate" reading material and Eli got upset that his magazine was being taken away. And I swear, he yelled at C, "But Daddy! I was reading the article!"

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

South Beach update

As I mentioned earlier, we started Phase 1 of The South Beach diet a week ago. Here's how it's going so far. As of Monday morning, I'm down 6 pounds and C is down 7. Our cravings are still there, but are much more manageable. Interestingly, C craves bread and tortillas, while I'd love a piece of fruit. But other than that we've both commented on how much better we feel.I really like how much we've cut down on processed foods especially. We're getting a lot better at figuring out how to adapt our meals (the fajita bowl mentioned in the comments here is amazing!), though breakfast continues to be a challenge. I'm relearning how to recognize hunger, since I don't get that light-headed, weak feeling anymore. I don't notice an energy drop at all anymore. I feel great actually. I caught Eli's stomach bug this last weekend, and his doctor prescribed him yogurt to heal his stomach. On Phase 1 you can have plain, low-fat or non-fat yogurt (yum) so I experimented and added Sweet-n-low and a drop of vanilla extract. So. Delicious. 
I tried really hard to talk myself out of doing this program, but a week in and it's really not so bad. We eat a lot of salads. I snack on string cheese, almonds, and a lot of cut up peppers. Without the safety net of rice and pasta, I'm having to put a little more thought into our meals, which has had the added bonus of getting the kids excited about family dinners again. I love that C and I are doing it together, since we can support each other and cheer each other on. I can really see us incorporating this type of eating lifelong. I'm thrilled that I'm down 6 pounds! I'm hoping that I can lose at least another four next week. Wish me luck!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Our day at the lake

 C, for the first time in seven years, had Labor Day off. So we packed up the kids, the dog, and the fishing poles and headed to the mountains.C fished for hours. The kids played in the sand. We swam. I even got to read for a minute. We came home sunburned, sandy, and happy, which to me says it was a pretty damn good day. 

C doesn't get much more blissed out than this. 

There were many sand castle interpretations

This kid's a goat. I don't think I breathed the whole time he was climbing around up here. 

Awesome. Just awesome. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

We're going to Miami...

Not really. But C and I are doing the South Beach Diet. I generally hate the "I ate this, then exercised for eleventy-million minutes and lost four pounds!" posts, and I really debated whether I wanted to put this up to be counted among the millions of moms out there trying to lose the baby/stress/cheeseburger weight. But I have writer's block and I'm avoiding putting away the laundry...

I've been trying to lose the last 15 furiously awful pounds of baby weight since January. I started the C25K program and went to the gym three times a week, gained 5 pounds. I did SparkPeople, logged all my food, lost nothing. I restricted to an admittedly unhealthy 800-1000 calories. Lost nothing. So then I gave up and ate cheeseburgers and fries several times a week. Felt like crap, lost nothing, gained nothing. I was lamenting all this to a friend and she suggested/insisted that I try the South Beach Diet.

After much hemming and hawing, grieving french fries and brownies, and trying a million ways to talk ourselves out of it, C and I started on Monday. Here's what I've noticed. Monday I felt great. In fact, with all the veggies I felt like I was super full, all day, but at around 4:00 I would've killed for a bowl of cereal. They're not joking when they talk about cravings. Tuesday, I felt like crap. I had a headache, no energy, and just felt Blah. This cemented my theory that carbs and sugar have an addictive quality. Wednesday I noticed that I felt very stable all day. No peaks or drops in energy, no ravishing hunger attacks, just stable. Today I missed a snack and instead of getting "wild badger who will eat your children" hungry I just got really hungry. The pros are that the cravings are slowing down a lot and I like the way my body feels. The cons are that I am really tired of eggs already and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to cook meals without rice, pasta, bread, or potatoes. It's a good challenge though, and I like that C and I are doing it together. That helps a lot.

If people are interested I'll keep writing about my experience. Theoretically I should be able to lose quite a bit of weight in these first two weeks, and then continue on a less restrictive "lifestyle change." Also, if anyone has some fabulous low-carb recipes throw them my way!