FML

I'm about 90% sure that I won't be affected, but seriously?! And because my bosses are "pretty sure" there's nothing to worry about, no one's being all that proactive. At least last time we were in the loop. Stay tuned. We may be moving. Again.

Thoughts on the new job

My new unit was described to me using the words "unique" and "urban." Read into that what you will, but we are essentially housed in a repurposed unit and do a lot of making-do. Our office is in the dining hall. Our nurses sit at card tables. It's awesome and totally ridiculous. I think I'm going to love it.

The staff at this prison is much older than the staff at my old prison. On one hand, it's very weird to be the youngest, and obviously so. I went to the tech department Wednesday to figure out a computer issue and the guy was scrolling through looking for my name. He landed on it, but then said, "Wait. You're not a psychologist. What did you say your name was?" When I assured him that I was a psychologist, he asked if I was sure. Seriously. So the other staff have a lot more experience under their belts. I spend a lot of time pretending to know what they're talking about.

This job is hitting some of my insecurity buttons, but I'm also really excited about the potential. At old prison, I knew what I was doing and I was good at it. I was fast and efficient and could bluff my way through most things. There was little oversight of my work and because we were all at the same stage, career-wise, we didn't challenge each other much. My new supervisor asked me to send her all my notes at the end of the day (maybe indefinitely?). At first I was a little offended. I've done all my "supervised work" and the state of California says that I'm competent enough now to work alone. But then I got feedback today on my notes, and it is good. She called me out on parts I pencil-whipped. She respectfully commented on my clinical assertions. She pointed out things I flat out forgot. And she did it all in a way that didn't feel like she was belittling me or attacking my abilities.

I applied for this job months ago, when the layoffs first were announced. One of the things I outlined for my job search was that I wanted a job that would allow me to thrive and excel, that would challenge me to be better. I was good at my old prison, but I think that this new experience is going to make me so much more. I needed a good kick in the butt, and I think I've found it. I am so, so glad it doesn't suck.

One down, eight bazillion to go...

We got a house.

Man, it feels good to say that. It was getting a bit dicey there for a second. Our new town is small, but about 30 highway, traffic-free, minutes from a pretty large city. In my own version of "convince myself the world is fair" I had decided that since I had to move, and since my new prison is actually in a decent town, I was not commuting. We set our max distance at 15-20 minutes. C and I drove up there last week to look at areas and get the ball rolling, and found that our choice 1 of suburbs (not the prison city but close, and more affordable) was too far away. It was easily 30 minutes, on surface streets, in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. And it wasn't cute. Prison city is cute. It's got an adorable downtown, lots of walking paths and hiking trails, and is one of the safest cities in California. It just felt like a good fit. BUT. There were only two houses in the whole city that 1) would fit us and 2) we could afford. One was right in the middle of our budget and literally four minutes from work. The other was at the higher end of our budget, a little further away, but much nicer. Much, much nicer. We couldn't get ahold of the agent but left several desperate messages about how much we wanted to talk to her about the house. She called just as we hit the half-way point home, so the kids and I went back on Saturday to look at the house/charm the agent. She warned me that she had two other applications and was not a huge fan of the dog, but we went ahead and put in an application. I drove home with the worst pit in my stomach. If this house didn't work we could try for the much older, but cheaper house, or we'd have to start thinking about looking at smaller or further away. I think defensively, I started to simultaneously degrade the house and characterize it as the best. house. ever.

This morning she called to tell us that it's ours if we want it. C and I both let out audible sighs of relief, then led the whole family in a very dignified, definitely not involving booty shaking, happy dance. It just feels so. freaking. good. to be able to cross that off of our list. I still have to pack, register Eli for school, change addresses, set up utilities, sell my swingset, scrub my house, use up all the food in the freezer... but we have a freaking house! And it's a pretty sweet little place.
I went to get my haircut today (with my whole family, because we're awesome and now we look super cute) and was talking to the lady about the new year. Despite the hassles and uncertainty with all the layoff/transfer stuff, I think it's pretty cool that we get to start 2012 with a new town, new job, and new family dynamic (more on that later, not pregnant.)

Got the letter (FINALLY!)

We're headed to Choice 2. We're both a little disappointed, but also excited to move forward and put all this uncertainty behind us. Plus Choice 2 has an IKEA, so you know I'll be rocking that :)

So yeah. Next adventure? Moving a family of four, a dog, and an enormous cat to a new city in 30 days. Aaaaannnd... GO!

WTF?

Y'all. My stupid letter didn't come today. Other people got theirs, but I haven't gotten mine. The chiefs at work have a list, but it's confidential and they have instructions not to inform anyone of their placement before they receive the letter. I do know that I was matched and have a transfer, but I don't officially know where. It was "suggested" that it's Choice 2, but that was all very cryptic and vague and now I keep replaying every comment every person made today. C and I talked, and no matter what people say, it won't be "real" until we see it on paper. I'm so frustrated right now.

The good news is that I and most of my co-workers were placed. That means we have jobs. Most of my co-workers got their first choices, which means most of them don't have to relocate. Both of my top choices involve relocation, which brings us to the bad news.

According to other people (who have their stupid f-ing letter in their hand), the transfer comes with a hard (read "non-negotiable") start date of January 18th. Giving me 32 days to pack and move.

So yeah. Freaking the freak out.

Not yet

No letters yet. Supposedly there was "official confirmation" that the letters were sent out yesterday. There's also a list of "numbers but no names" that suggests that most, but not all of us, got matched to a site. The list also suggests that most of my co-workers' first choice (because of it's commutability) got several new psychs but didn't fill all their spots. This is good because it suggests that everyone who wanted to go there will. My first choice is less clear, so I may be good, or I may have to go to my second choice. Hopefully we'll know tomorrow. Both choices are good, and I will be grateful to have a job, but I'll be sad if I get my second choice. Some new information has come out that makes Choice 2 a little less appealing, but I'm trying not to focus on that. So good thoughts, wishes, prayers, etc. would be appreciated. Longest. Week. Ever.

Tick tock

Waiting waiting waiting. The theme for this week is "Nervous Energy." We all filled out our voluntary transfer options a few weeks back, and the packet stated that we "would be notified the week of December 14th" whether we were able to get a transfer and where. So now it's the week of December 14th. There was a rumor, based on other weird things happening, that the letters were being sent out last Friday. Saturday I literally ran INTO (as in, with my face) the mailman's truck and ripped the mail from his hands. Yesterday was okay, I think because C and I finally got through our "take out all our stress on each other" so we were in the lovey, teamwork rocks! make-up haze. But today. Oh today. At work we all compared notes to see who's mail came earliest (damn my route! Our mail doesn't get here until around six) and we all crowded around the guy with the earliest time's phone, waiting for his wife to call. Of course, no letter today. Conspiracy theories abound based on staffing models, other people's rankings, even the wording of "the week of December 14th." "What does that mean? Why would they choose that day? The 14th is a Wednesday..." Crazy people, all of us. Though I still really want my first choice, at this point I just want to know so that we can get on with our lives. And it'd be nice if I could stop stalking my mailman. He's sweet and all, but I'm pretty sure he's getting the wrong message.

Kicking the Dog

I'm feeling better. I took a long weekend and went with the kids to visit my dad and step-mom on the coast. I came home and prioritized all the "must-do's" "want-to-do's" and "Chick, are you crazy?s" Work, though frustrating and not all that conducive to not freaking the fuck out, is fine. I'm embarrassed to say that my work quality has dropped, but to be honest, a lot of the time I just don't care. It's hard to get passionate about change when you know you'll likely be leaving very soon. But I go, and I get my stuff done, and occasionally, like today, I have a really good day and do really good work. We're getting through. We should find out next week if/where we're going to transfer. We have a pretty good chance of getting into one of our top two, both of which would be great, (fingers crossed for my first choice cuz it would be AWESOME!) but more than anything I cannot wait to be out of this holding pattern.

One of the things I realized while I was gone was that I've been taking an awful lot of stress out on C. Too much. If I'm being honest, the poor guy has been my punching bag (figuratively, of course) for the past few weeks. Freud described it as "displacement" but all through school I've always thought of it as "kicking the dog." Essentially, you take out your anger and frustration on a less threatening target. I can't go to work and rage and be pissy and pout. So I come home and treat my husband like crap, resenting him for not magically knowing what I wanted him to do. Really not my finest moment. I'm trying to remember that he's going through this too. He's stressed out. And sometimes I'm a crazy person.

He's a lucky, lucky man

Angsty Susie Sunshine

I really, really wanted that list to come out today. And it didn't. And at work that was combined with a whole lot of other fuckery that included a group of inmates bitching and whining that I was making them participate in the therapy group instead of "just letting us watch the fucking movie." Awesome.

I threw in the towel about an hour early, came home and spent that hour productively perusing Pinterest, and picked up the babies. I love how quickly they can turn a shitty day around (venting to the very awesome director and associate director didn't hurt either.) But oh boy, I am so very grateful for my family right now. I realized, driving home, that I am really, really stressed out. It only hits though when I'm away from home. Because at home there are two little munchkins randomly stripping off their clothes to do the nakey-dance. Two little rugrats climbing over me, begging for just one more story. An amazing man who congratulates me when I FINALLY make it all the way through a Harry Potter movie.

I need that list to come out soon. I'm tired of not knowing, not knowing where we'll be, what we'll be doing, if I'll have a job. Not knowing whether to buy a nightstand because "we'll probably just have to move it anyway." Not knowing if I should sign Eli up for karate because "who knows where we'll be in three months." Tired of just not knowing.

Clear as mud

So the lay-off thing...

Yes, it's still happening. There's been much freaking out and self-shrinking and oh, how The Crazy has returned. But I think we're in a place of acceptance now and we're just waiting for the next steps. There've been a lot of rumors about how it's all going to work and so I've been hesitant to write much, as information is literally changing day-to-day. At first we all hustled to get our applications to other prisons, hoping to transfer to prisons who weren't losing positions. I had two really great interview/not-technically-an-interview meetings and then the positions were frozen. Like, got a job offer and then three hours later was told that they couldn't give me the job. They announced a voluntary transfer process, where they sent us a list to prioritize and gave us seven days to opt in or out, but the positions they offered were outdated (like, for facilities slated to close outdated.) Then they "postponed" that, indefinitely. As it stands now, it looks like it's going to go down like this. 1) Voluntary transfers, open to all employees in counties that will lose psychologists, and granted based on seniority. 2) The opportunity to apply and interview for any positions not filled through the voluntary transfer process. 3) Lay-offs.

I was really hoping to have the application/interview process first since my seniority score sucks and the places that I would want to go are pretty desirable. I'm a much stronger applicant based on my merit. So here's what we're hoping for, and if you're the praying/hoping/putting out to the universe type and you feel moved, I'd appreciate it. We're hoping that 1) the idea of relocation, even to attractive locations, deters some of the older, more established psychologists from ranking or opting in to the voluntary transfer or 2) there are enough positions open to absorb all of the people who are slated to lose their jobs at their current prisons. If the information I have is correct, one of my top choices is supposed to have enough openings to almost take all the displaced employees. My chances of getting in there, if I have accurate information, is pretty good. Worst case scenario, we'll go wherever we can and then try to transfer somewhere better when the dust settles. But I really hate moving, and that would suck.

So the reason I'm throwing it out there now is that we've been in a holding pattern for a couple weeks now, waiting for the new and updated voluntary transfer list to come out. On one hand it's been a blessing because there truly is nothing we can do right now if our Plan A is to stay with the department. So it hasn't been the first thing out of people's mouths. On the other hand, I just really want to know where we're going. Also, the state has a deadline, so every day that they postpone this step means a more compressed process later.

The latest thought is that the new list is coming out this week. My guess is that we'll have 5-7 days to decide and rank our choices. C and I are good with leaving. We don't love this town, though we've made good friends and I doubt I'll find another daycare as awesome as ours, but we're good with leaving. We'd really like to end up somewhere that's a better fit for our family. I have no doubt that we will, but I'll feel so much better once I know where that is. I'm mentally trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of new stress if the lists do come out this week, so if I jump on here talking about moving my family to a yurt or going back to school for auto mechanics, please remind me of this post.

How we cope

It's only been a couple weeks, and I have run the gamut of completely freaking out clear to trusting the universe and being very zen, and back again. I seem to do okay, but then people around me start talking about it and my anxiety shoots through the roof. I am walking a very fine line of professionalism and appropriateness, which luckily my co-workers consider "genuineness." Because honestly? I was sarcastic and short-tempered and pouty today and I'm not a huge fan of myself like that. On the other hand, a supervisor told me that I seemed to "have a peace about you." To which I laughed like a deranged lunatic. Moving on. So how does a mental health professional such as myself cope during a time of instability and stress? I'm so glad you asked! Thus far I've

-Spent money like it was going out of style. Because Eli MUST have a hoodie! Right this second! To replace the one he lost! Even though it's over 80! And Syd needs pajamas! And I need skinny jeans! And notebook dividers! And pumpkins!

-Tried to sell anything that's not nailed down on craigslist. But then hid the money away like it never existed. See? I can save! And I'd bet that the $10 I made off that Johnny JumpUp is going to make all the difference.

-Freaked out about money. I find myself compulsively balancing numbers, even numbers that really don't mean anything. Oh yeah. The Crazy? Back with a fucking vengeance.

-Productively contacted other possible places of employment. Had great conversations.

-Freaked out because it sounds like "realignment" will be based on seniority, not merit or fit. Which means that I will likely end up in Bum Fuck Nowhere.

-Applied to work in New Zealand. Which I am sort of, not quite, maybe, we'll see what happens, considering.

-Blown my diet, restarted, blown, and restarted. I've lost almost ten pounds, but man, I forgot how amazing brownies can be.

-Disgusted myself with a variety of unattractive qualities, including jealousy (savings?! How do you have savings? Why can't we have savings!?), spite (oh so many examples), and opposition.

In other news, the kids and I went to the coast this weekend and it was lovely! We spontaneously jumped in the ocean, explored pirate caves, and ate way too much. We slept in, stayed up late, and jumped on beds. Eli was brave and Syd was crazy. I loved it.

She does this thing now where she poses and then waits for me to take her picture. She was obsessed with sitting on these pumpkins

A true flip!

This? This was awesome.

Is this how it's going to be?

The shock of yesterday is starting to wear off, and it's so interesting to see how people are reacting to the reality of all of the layoffs and uncertainty. I talked to a friend today who said she felt like nobody was as heartbroken as she was, that she felt somehow that she was taking this too hard. Another friend spent all day on the verge of tears. Work today was pretty sparse, so I don't know what some people are doing. I'm guessing that there's a lot of drinking and bad tv. After the tears yesterday, I switched into this almost-obnoxious PollyAnna mode. "This could be a great opportunity! We're all going to be FINE! We'll make this work!" And I meant it. But I woke up this morning, and in that haze right after your eyes open, I thought to myself "Fuck. That really happened." And then I started thinking about what it all meant. What seemed like plenty of time yesterday seems like nothing today. I realized that we'll most likely have to move. I hate this town, but I love our friends. Eli won't be able to finish kindergarten with his friends. Syd will have to leave her beloved teachers. More packing, more moving, more trying to fit in and figure out and more more more. And before I know it I'm crying in the shower at the unfairness and the overall suckiness. But I can't live there, so I pull myself back together and go to work. I'm glad I went. I got some good leads on possible positions (including some really awesome possibilities). I got organized and back in "job search mode." It was good. There's part of me though that is really trying to avoid other people. C was great when I told him, but you can tell he's freaked out. And he freaks out by picking fights about totally insignificant stuff, so it seems like every time I talk to him I get yelled at. Which is awesome. My friends are all facing the same crisis, so understandably not a lot of sympathy going on. Like I said, I cannot wallow in this. Getting shit done is kind of my specialty, and shit doesn't get done if you sit around freaking out or feeling sorry for yourself or obsessing over the location of the couch. On the other hand, I would really like someone else to be my shoulder just for a minute. Because this sucks. I love my job. I planned on being there a long time. Now I'm not. My friends all have their own obstacles, and that sucks too. It sucks going to work and being expected to reassure people who are most likely quite safe. It sucks when people say "This place is going to suck without you" because I. Don't. Care. I cannot be expected to feel sorry for you. It sucks that I'm questioning how much to tell my other lay-off victims, knowing that I could be competing with them for the same job. It sucks to see people who are less qualified sit easy because they've skated by for five years and therefore outrank me. It sucks that I'll have to find a new daycare, a new grocery store, a new park, a new house. A new fucking job. It all just fucking sucks.

So now that that's done, I'll go back to being Susie Sunshine. It's better than the alternative, which apparently is to freak the fuck out.