Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Where I spend way too much time talking about a cat

This is Tical. C and I took her in about 8 years ago, after a friend of ours moved and couldn't keep her. Almost immediately after she came to live with us she started gaining weight, and she really hasn't stopped since. We've tried the fancy food, the restrictive diet, we even looked into feline aerobics. If we hadn't been in school the whole time, we probably would have tried kitty lipo. But alas, she's still huge.

Tical used to keep our home rodent free, and for that I was eternally grateful and willing to put up with her girth and quirks. However, I think she's officially reached the "I have to wash myself with a stick" size. Actually, she reached that a couple years ago. Ask our vet. Nothing like paying a couple hundred bucks to learn that your cat's crusty because she's too fat to wash her own butt. So yeah, she's now "Whoa, look at that cat!" fat, which makes her a decidedly less adept huntress. And now she's just obnoxious. Really, really obnoxious. And fat. And crusty. And loud. Did I mention loud? And sneaky.

This morning was particularly bad for Tical and I, who have at best an Odd Couple type relationship these days. See, Tical's fat. And as such, she NEEDS to eat. So the split second that she senses I may be nearing consciousness she feels that it's her duty to remind me that it's time to feed the f-ing cat. She will meow incessantly until there's food in her bowl. And if there's already food in her bowl because by some miracle of God the dog didn't eat it during the night, she still needs MORE food.

I tried to fight back. I really did. I thought "I'm the human in this relationship. I am the alpha female in this house. I will call the shots around here Cat!"So I ignored her. I tried locking her out of the bedroom. Shoot, I tried locking her out of the house. You know what that damn cat did? She figured out that if she woke up the baby, now kid, then I would have to wake up too. I have been bested by a fucking cat.

So now, we've settled into this lovely routine of waking up at the butt crack of dawn, the cat meowing away while I swear and use all the words E's not allowed to repeat. I was resigned to my fate and figured she's so fat, this can't last too many more years. But this morning? She added a new trick to her morning routine. Now she wants to be let outside after she's had her morning feast. Which was fine by me. Out you go! Except. Except that now she wants to go outside, decide it's too cold/dark/wet/breezy/outside and wants back in after less than five minutes. And I think I've already shown how persistent she can be. Plus she scratches at the door. One of us is going to cave soon, and I'm thinking she's got me beat. Fuck.


  1. I love the humor in your writing.
    I hope you are a cat person cause I agree, there is no winning in this. We once had a FAT cat who tore open the top of a large food bag, jumped in, and ate so much that she got stuck in the bag. Also had the poopie butt syndrome.

  2. Dude, I love you. And your fat cat, and your writing. Mommy blogger, here you come!

  3. I love Tical. She just knows what's going on. Yes, she's fat; yes, she's obnoxious; yes, she's loud; yes, she's a bed hog. And she has that "fat babe" flaunting sashay when she walks. What's not to love?