Sunday, July 15, 2012

Crazy or Not Crazy?

This is absolutely, without a doubt, one of my favorite parts of my job. Play a little game and get a glimpse of what I actually get paid  to do. Ready? Let's do this! (Break it down!) 

The objective is to decide, Crazy or Not Crazy?

1) Anyone who describes themselves as "suicidal" or having "racing thoughts"?  Not Crazy
2) A guy who claims to "just not care" and then one sentence later, complains about the temperature of his food? Not Crazy
3) Anyone, who for any reason, eats shit? Crazy
4) Most people who can't be bothered to put on clothes? Crazy (or gross. It's a gut call)
5) The guy who adamantly denies any mental health problems? Usually Crazy. Tricky, huh?
6) A guy who says that he sees demons? Not Crazy. Bonus points if they're green, have red eyes, or have horns. Super Not Crazy. Also, bad liars and poor researchers. 
7) Anyone who smears poop on the walls? This is a tricky one. Did they make eye contact while they did it? If so, Not Crazy. If not, Crazy. 
8) The guy who says that everyone's out to get him and that they're planning to kill him? Another tricky one. In the world (aka not prison), Crazy. In prison, you need more information. Because this might be totally legit. 
9) A guy who says he talks to God? Again, a tough one. My compass says, if God says nice things, Not Crazy. If God says mean things about the guy, Crazy. If God tells guy to do bad things, usually Not Crazy. See: Bad liar.
10) Anyone who outright calls me the devil, evil, conniving, or guilty of "word fucking" (which makes me sound very talented, don't you think?) Usually Not Crazy

See? This is a pretty awesome job. And they get more complicated and intricate. I worked with a guy who practiced a religion based on communication with spirits. AND he heard voices. There were a lot of "Was it the spirits or the voices?" conversations. Another guy literally ate a ball of shit, while looking me straight in the eye. Probably Not Crazy, but my deal is that if you're willing to eat crap, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. That's a commitment that most people do not possess. Another guy refused to meet with anyone for several days, instead laying naked in his room reading a book. Turns out he broke his hip in four places and no one knew. Still Crazy, but maybe notsomuch. Between this and getting to say things like, "Was it a magic coochie?" I pretty much have the most awesome job ever. Except it smells, really really really bad. 


  1. I love it when you post about your job. Blows my mind. Also, I agree with you about eating shit-- that's commitment.

  2. I conquer, and yet must one up, your eating shit. Our mark of totally crazy? Eating your own vomit. Beyond commited, it's totally tortured.

  3. Your stance on commitment to prove your crazy makes me smile every time. You are awesome. I agree with Sarah, I LOVE YOUR WORK POST.

  4. so what is your take on penile insertion ? crazy or not crazy? We must work in similar settings! your posts are so validating!