Easy like a Sunday morning

Imagine it. It's a quiet Sunday morning. I peacefully wake in the early hours of the morning. The house is quiet as I carefully pad my way to the kitchen. The kitchen is clean and I make the most wonderful cup of coffee. I peacefully sip my coffee at the kitchen table as the sun rises. I flip through a magazine or read a chapter or two of whatever book I'm working on. Maybe a child or two wakes and joins me, contentedly coloring at the table or *gasp* reading their own book.

This has happened approximately one time, and it was glorious. So glorious that I'm a little sorry that I experienced it, for the contrast of what my Sunday mornings usually look like. I'm awoken in the wee hours by a whisper-screamed, "MOM! Why did you let me sleep on the couch?!" (spoiler alert: because she's heavy, I'm lazy, and I had no intention of trying to navigate the minefield that is her bedroom floor.) Then one, or more, of my unwashed children crawls into bed with us and proceeds to flop about like a dying fish for as long as it takes for me to remember that this is never a sweet, peaceful cuddling experience.

So then I shuffle to my kitchen, where I push aside all the crap leftover from our movie night the night before. Rather than my serene pinterest vision, it's reminiscent of a college apartment, only with more produce. I make a pot of coffee that, although it's passable, never tastes as good as that one time that I made the best coffee ever and promptly forgot everything that went into it. I debate between trying to hide at the kitchen table or in a corner of the couch and settle at the table. It's slightly less cluttered, and besides one of my children has inexplicably grown seven sizes, so that her barely 4 foot tall body somehow occupies 2/3 of my approximately 14 feet of couch. Two dogs occupy the other 1/3. Her sister is stomping around the house, righteously indignant about some slight that happened probably before she was even born, but I'll never know because rather than tell me what's wrong she just yells, "My life is ruined!" My sweet tween, who smells like a man but still likes to hug his mom, ambles out of his room with questions of how I intend to entertain them for the day. This one at least has learned to read my response and quickly retreats back to his room.

The girls have made up and play a raucous game of "butt scoot" which seems to consist of dragging each other around on the floor. I hiss "QUIET!" as there are still some members of this family who are able to continue sleeping. They do not quiet, but they do change activities. Now they're working together on an art project that uses both computer paper and glitter, and quite honestly, I'm letting them for the sole reason that they aren't needing me for anything. The boy is in his room pretending like I don't know that he's on his phone even though we have a "no screens first thing in the morning" rule. The dogs are sleeping in the girls' bed and probably chewing on their blankets or covering their sheets with slobber. I promise that I will regret this later, but for now I'm going to make another passable cup of coffee.

There is no cohesive theme to this post

It would appear that I've got some pretty serious writer's block, and the only way to break through writers' block is to write. So I bring you the ever popular random stream of consciousness

I'm doing this new thing for my class where, instead of power points going over the assigned reading, I'm creating a class outline with activities and discussion questions. It's basically the greatest thing ever and it's making teaching SO EASY. Grading, notsomuch, but the teaching and prep for class has been awesome. So five years, and maybe I'm figuring it out a little?

We went to Easter church on Saturday night, leaving Sunday morning free to glaze my first ever bundt cake and make twenty thousand deviled eggs. It was still crazy busy, but there was a teeny tiny break in the crowd right in front of the art wall, and there was a lovely woman standing there who looked like she'd understand when I asked her to take our picture. OMG. You guys. She took two pictures and they were AMAZING. I can't tell if it's a sign of the sweet spot with the kids' ages or if it was a miracle, but everyone is looking at the camera AND smiling (not grimacing).

I got my first gel manicure a couple weeks ago. Does anyone do these? I have friends who swear by it, but I wasn't impressed. They cut my nails into a weird shape (do fancy ladies have corners on their nails?) and the polish wasn't as long lasting as I thought it would be. I got a chip the first day, which I went back and had fixed and that they blamed on my nails being too short (because they cut them short.) Then like a week and a half later they started to peel off. It was weird. I sort of want to try again because I think maybe it was the salon, but on the other hand, maybe I'm just not meant to be that fancy? Do any of you know?

I also have a serious furniture dilemma. I inherited a bedroom set from my dad that is going into our guest room. It has a bed frame, dresser, and nightstand and is easily the most grown-up (read not from IKEA or a FB marketplace) bedroom furniture in our house. BUT, in that room is also my hope chest,the bookshelf that serves as my home office, and a family heirloom-ish coffee table. It can't all fit in there, but I have no idea with what to do with the other stuff. Anyone want to come to my house and rearrange my furniture? I'll make you bundt cake!

The face you make when you get soda at the restaurant 

Moving through

It's 11:00  and I'm sitting alone in a hotel room on my very first overnight work trip. Yesterday marked a month since my dad died, and it wasn't as terrible as I feared, until it was. Today was better. It's weird, because I can still sort of convince myself that he's just on a trip or that we just haven't connected for a while. Driving here though, I reflected that this is exactly the situation that I would have told my dad about first. He traveled for work most of my childhood, and "go on a work trip" was one of my checkboxes on my "How to be an adult" list.  It felt really weird not to call him while I was driving. But this is what we do. There is no way through but through.

In other news. Averson turned five and we threw her a birthday party that was so perfectly Averson-ish. And now that she's five, she can't decide whether I'm her favorite or if she "just doesn't want to hear your [my] voice right now!" Every morning this week I've "ruined her life." The kicker was when she snuck in during my shower, drew a picture of me in the steam on the mirror, and then crossed me out. If it wasn't so ridiculously adorable I'd probably be upset, but she's just such a cute little bully. And typically ten minutes later she loves me again. I told her today that I was having a hard time keeping up with her and she said, "Yeah. I know. Sometimes I'm a lot." Yep.

I started teaching again. I saved this meme to use during my introduction about my expectations of the classwork, but then I decided not to do a powerpoint and forgot to save it to my computer so I could put it on the screen. I was SO upset, and then I tried to describe it to my students which was exactly as awkward as it sounds. 

I'm trying to play more with the kids, especially Eli. He bought this WWE board game with his allowance and has been desperate for someone to play with him. After a mutually hard day, I told him I'd play after dinner. 1) this game is really fucking complicated and 2) I have no idea where he learned to gloat like he does. So now of course I'm obsessed and determined to learn every esoteric rule in this damn game so I can hold my own.

I found all these books in one kid's bed. ONE. I'm leaning in and being grateful that they're readers, but also, pretty sure this is why I have double-digit library fines. "I don't have any idea where that book is, Mom!" SMH. 

So yeah. Moving through. I go home tomorrow, C and I have a date planned for Friday, and then this weekend I'm going to make a quick trip to try and pack as much of my parent's house as I can. I'm not looking forward to it and I'm sure it's going to be harder than I'm prepared for. I'm trying to be thoughtful about taking care of myself, so when I get back I'm taking the girls for $10 manicures and kicking Eli's butt at Showdown.

it’s really fucking weird

I love this blog and over the last couple weeks I’ve wanted to post. We had Averson’s birthday party. Syd is a cookie selling crazy person. We spent an ungodly amount of money on dressers to combat our 1950s closets. But there’s a block that I couldn’t get myself past. So this isn’t going to be my best work. It’s choppy and stream of conciousness. But I have to get it out here so that I can continue to use this space like I want to.

 My dad died on February 6th (fuck, almost a month ago now). He was 68 years old, obsessed with health and fitness, still living big dreams and planning adventures. He died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was terrible. I haven't decided yet how much of the story I want to tell, and how much is mine to tell, but I woke up on that Tuesday facing a completely normal day and by that night I was driving, alone and tired and shell-shocked, to my waiting step-mother and my brother and sister-in-law six hours away. C and the kids joined us a few days later, and then my mom, my sister and nieces, and my half-brothers a couple days after that.

Those first few days are a blur. My brother and I stayed in a little no-name motel in town and spent almost every waking moment (of which there were many, since we found that sleep did not come easily) attending to the business of death. There were legal documents to find, arrangements to make, personal effects to track down. My step-mother was surrounded by the kindest, most wonderfully unexpected angels who made sure that she was never alone, never without someone to talk to.

That was a bright spot in an otherwise awful time; finding all of these incredible, wonderful human beings. People stepped up in small thoughtful ways and in huge, incredibly generous ways that made us all break down with gratitude. It was a testament to my dad that these people were so eager, willing, and ready to help us. I didn't know a lot of these people, but at his service, those were the biggest hugs and the sweetest words. People who knew my dad and loved him, who would miss him, who had heard all about me because, as his obituary said, he was an unabashedly proud father. And friends at home have been amazing too. I don’t have a lot of friends who’ve lost parents, and I never really know how to show my support. Flowers and casseroles always seemed so cliche but I’m telling you now, Bring flowers and a casserole. That meant so much to me.

The kids have been managing, as they do, in very different ways. Averson, in typical Averson style, is very matter-of-fact. "I miss Coach. I don't know why he had to die." Sydney, I find, is internalizing and somatizing a lot of her feelings. And sweet Eli. My poor kid. He and my dad were so close. One of my last texts from my dad is about how proud he was of Eli and how similar their childhoods are. My dad was his biggest cheerleader and they spent so much time together. It's the first loss Eli's really felt in his day-to-day life, and he's managing, but man it sucks. Me, I keep waiting for the crush of grief to hit me. I've had a couple of moments where the tears feel like they'll never stop, but for the most part it's been a numbness. That's the weird thing. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself that he's gone, which is awful and surreal at the same time. A friend told me that it took her six months to stop picking up the phone to call her mom every day. That fits for me. I find myself filing things away that I want to tell him next time I talk to him, and then remembering.

I said that those first few days are a blur, but honestly, the last two weeks have been a blur. My brain doesn't work and I'm trying to be gentle with that. I have been so blessed by people who are kind, thoughtful, and understanding. C has been amazing, letting me function when I want to and then seamlessly picking up the slack when all I can manage is to put a show on Netflix.

I don't have a nice way to end this. It happened, and it sucks. It's really awful and all I can say when people ask how I am is "It's really fucking weird." I miss him so much, but I am also so so grateful that I'm not wracking my brain for our last moments together. I knew how much he loved me and he knew how much I loved him and that's something to be thankful for.

Getting to know you - Chiconky style

So... I started a new job two weeks ago. I desperately want to write a post about how that transition's been and how much I love the new gig (to include pictures, PICTURES!, of my new cubicle and the dress I wore to work) but I think I'm still digesting it into a coherent statement. But it's awesome and I love it, while still having positive feelings about my old institution. So it's good.

This week I've been able to spend a lot of time with two of my new co-workers. You know how it goes when you're getting to know people. They tell a story, you tell a story, and so on. So a couple days ago, one of them was talking about an article she'd read about how mothers who drank caffeine while pregnant are more likely to have kids with ADHD, and she was lamenting the fact that mom's really can't do anything right (she has no kids.) She asked us how we managed that, and I jokingly said I wasn't too worried about the little things and was really shooting to not have them turn out to by psychopaths. Laughter ensues. Then I tell the story about how my sweet Averson went through a phase where she asked people if she could cut open their pets. Which led to the story about how she suggested that we kill the dogs so we could get puppies (OMG. I went to link to the post where I talked about this and I can't find it. I can't believe I didn't blog that! See the footnotes) Still laughter, but maybe a touch more awkward? I don't know, I'm a terrible judge of these things.

This morning, determined to make a better show and to redeem my little bundle of joy and sunshine's reputation, I look for an opportunity to drop a cute Averson-ism into the story. Let's sit back and see which one I picked...

Co-Worker: I love that my girls are friends. They even decided not to split up into their own rooms last year. I'm really worried about what will happen when my older daughter goes off to college.

Me: That's so sweet! I hope my girls still love sharing a room when they're teenagers!

Co-Worker: Oh! You're girls share a room too? Do they ever ask for separate rooms?

Me: Not really.Well, except this morning Averson asked if her brother froze to death, could she have his room?

That laughter was definitely awkward.

So... The new job is good BUT they're pretty sure my family is composed of psychopaths. So that's awesome. Also, please credit chiconky.blogspot.com if we ever become a hugely successful but also gruesome and disturbing subject of a podcast.

Deceptively adorable

They may have actually said, "Come play with us!" 

Backstory footnote: Averson has been obsessed with puppies and was lamenting that she's never had one. "But they're so small and so cute and I've never had one in my whole life!" I told her we couldn't get a puppy because we already had two big dogs and there just wasn't room for puppies right now. So she sweetly suggested that we kill our dogs, and then we'd have room for FOUR puppies! A couple days later she told me not to complain when they die. It really is a little creepy. Add that to her recent obsession with dissection and seeing what animals look like "on the inside" and we try to keep her away from sharp objects and delicate animals.

Women's March 2018

I love the Women's March oh so very much. Last year was so emotional for me as far as the state of our nation and just how mind-fuckingly terrible people were acting. I feel like I've reached a point of acclimation with how terrible people are (like, really really terrible) but the Women's March continues to be a place where a shit ton of people come together to say that  they're committed to equality and justice.

This was C's first year and he was hesitant to go. I think he expected a lot of man-bashing and anger. However, he loved it too! He kept saying how amazed he was by how many causes were represented, and how they all fell under the women's rights movement. I explained to him that the core of the women's movement right now is "Don't be a jerk" and that that sentiment is relevant in so many different areas. Welcome to intersectional feminism. I think it also helped that I got him a shirt that made him incredibly popular. I think he had his picture taken at least 50 times. And we had to explain to more than one lovely middle-aged white woman that "Pendejo" is not a nice word to say in mixed company :)  

Every time an event like this comes up, I'm conflicted. Firstly, FOMO. Secondly, I want my kids to have these experiences. I want their worldview expanded and for them to be brave, take risks, participate, and stand up for what they believe in. I want them to remember that they were there. I think it's really, really important, especially for my girls, to see everyone come together in opposition of all the awful fuckery that's going on. But I also want to keep them safe. Anytime I imagine big crowds, especially big political crowds, I wonder if I'm being irresponsible by taking them. I don't know if it's a "me" thing or an "us" thing, but I am REALLY nervous in big groups like this (they were predicting 30k+). 

So after much back and forth internal back and forth I decided that I needed to model for my kids standing up for what I believed in, even if it was a little scary. I was so grateful that C could go too, but I still wrote my number on each kid's forearm and "With 3 kids" on my hand. And I am so, so glad that I went. Less glad that Syd helpfully described her dad's shirt to her teacher (aka Ms. Honey personified) on Monday, but so so glad that we went and that my kids get to be a part of that. 

Finishing out 2017

I haven't blogged in FOREVER, but I just realized that I never finished out 2017. So I'm going to do a brain dump so that I can start fresh with my 2018 musings, starting with the new job that I start in a week (!)

After Christmas my dad wanted to go to the city for a few days. He rented our room as our Christmas present (thank God because I never could have swung anything that nice) and we hit San Francisco HARD. It was so fun! The city was still holiday-ified and there were a ton of crowds, but there was also a foiled terrorist attack so it wasn't as crowded as it could have been. I'm calling that a modern silver lining.

Muier Woods. Super awesome but crazy crowded. I can't wait to go back on a non-holiday day.
Also, sometimes I feel sad that we're done having babies, but then all of my kids stand still and smile for a picture and that seems pretty cool too. 

 

The girls LOVE the Junior Ranger program. Both of the National Parks we went to this week had cool wooden badges that Avery especially treasures. They really get so much more out of our visits thanks to the program. I highly recommend it!

Uncle Dave!

The Christmas Tree in Union Square

Our room had this huge window overlooking Union Square, which was awesome, but unexplicably it opened like a sliding glass door? Which of course C loved and gave me palpitations. I let him open it once with the kids in the room, and I stood hyperventilating but not blinking in the hallway. Did anyone else develop an insane fear of falling (or more specifically kids falling) after they had kids? No? Just me? 

Window shut, locked, and bolted. I woke up to find her watching the sunrise over the city. It made me teary because I can 100% imagine her living in a little studio somewhere and doing this exact same thing in 15 years. 

Averson loved the hotel stationary. This is a shopping list she made (can you find the beer and broccoli?) She was aghast when I put the whole pad and pen in her backpack and really wanted me to return it to the hotel. She couldn't believe she was allowed to keep it. 

 We did the city with no car, which meant some creative problem solving (lots of ubers, which made me super grateful that I impulsively bought a Bubble Bum before we left. If you're traveling with a booster-seat sized kid and wanting to use public transportation, you should check it out.) The kids wanted to ride the cable cars one day. However, we got there to find that there was an accident and the current wait was over 2 hours. C, in perfect form, of course found a limo driver who was willing to shuttle us all to the piers for $5/person. We all piled in and this angel handed us Bud Lights at 10 am. The kids are STILL talking about "Tony" and his awesome tour. This was probably the highlight of their trip. 

The trip really was fortuitously blessed. After our limo ride, which included stopping at every cable car stop so one of the kids could stick their head out the sunroof and tell the people waiting how long it was going to be, we went down to the pier and to the San Francisco Maritime National Historic Park. A park ranger asked if we'd like to try a new technology tour and handed each kid a smart phone. She then took us on this awesome, private, FREE tour of the park with this app-based tour game. (Agents of Discovery, super cool if you go to a lot of National Parks!) This ferry was my favorite part, and we got to go under the ropes to the pilot house. I love all things cozy and efficient so this did not disappoint. 

Junior Rangers x2

 One of my dad's bucket list items for the trip was the Exploratorium. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but OMG this place was awesome. We bought a membership at the end of the day because there was NO way for us to be able to see the whole thing in one day. Sometimes I'm really grateful to live so close to the city to make going to an awesome museum for the day feasible.

They had an exhibit called Curious Contraptions, and within it they had a "Tinker Lab." The girls both made automata with the help of these awesome volunteers. Syd was thrilled to have unfettered access to the hot glue guns and Averson happily made a Barbie closet and then reluctantly agreed to let the nice lady help her add a rotating crown stand. I'm pretty sure it was a pity-allowance.

This picture is mostly to show that Eli was there too. The Exploratorium was hard for him so there was a lot of alternating between frantic showboating and pouting. Eleven is hard.

We headed home on Christmas Eve-Eve to a warm, clean house with no dog related incidents or injuries (thanks New Dog Sitter!). We did a low key New Years Eve party with friends that we bailed on at 10:00 and were in bed, surrounded by freaked out dogs and listening to our neighbors set off an arsenal's worth of explosives by 11:30. It was a perfect end to 2017! 

And then! To kick off 2018 we took the kids to the Winter Carnival. C had bought our tickets and unlimited ride passes before Christmas but between events and illnesses, we hadn't been able to go. Because we're not new here, we hadn't told the kids yet, so the whole thing was an awesome surprise. We usually let our kids pick one or two rides and then call it good, so the fact that they could ride WHATEVER THEY WANTED was pretty mind blowing. And because it was after the holidays, the place was super not-crowded. It was about as magical as I could have hoped. We've always been pretty good about not forcing our kids to do things, but I'm trying to intentionally promote "challenge by choice" so I was thrilled that each kid did something pretty far outside of their comfort zone. Eli rode a pretty intense ride with Syd and both Averson and Syd tried a roller coaster (and then promptly swore they would never do that again :) )

They rode this three times in a row trying to get the fastest apple

And now we're two weeks into 2018 and not much but also a lot has happened. Stay tuned!