No explanation needed

I got nuthin' (now with gratuitous kid pictures!)

I have all these posts floating around in my head, but none have really materialized. I could talk about how "Bulk Pick-up Day" sent me into an existential and moral crisis, complete with self-rightousness and empty promises to change how we live. I could talk about how I've been wearing the same three outfits to work because I won't bring myself to buy more clothes in the very large size that currently fits over my giant ass. I could talk about how I've started an exercise program and gained weight, which is actually the opposite of motivating, especially when said exercise program requires one to wake up, and sweat, at 4:oo am. I could talk about our camping trip, which we excitedly planned at the very last minute. I rushed home from work, C shopped and packed the car, we loaded everyone up, drove around the block, and gave up. Came home and rented a movie instead. I could talk about how pumping's going, including having my boss stand outside my door asking my very shy male co-worker "But what is she DOING in there?! Why does she have this sign up? Well, if she's breastfeeding that's one thing, but what is she doing?" I could talk about how Syd has decided this whole sleep-with-Mama- boob-in-mouth thing is for the birds. However, sleeping-alone-no-boob for longer than 20 minutes is also unacceptable. I could talk about how C is kicking ass at the stay-home dad gig, but part-time daycare costs almost as much as full-time, but part-time work doesn't pay as much as full-time work. I could write about all of that, but really? Life is pretty good. I'm happy. Work is good. The kids are fabulous. C rocks. Yesterday in the car I realized I was smiling for no reason. Just smiling. Syd was sleeping and Eli was in the back singing Buffalo Soldier ("Buffalo Soldja, Dressed like a race car. Buffalo Soldja, in the hawt of Amewica" even better because he doesn't talk like that), and life was good.
He won a raffle! He was much more excited than this picture suggests.

Baby in overalls. Is there anything cuter?

Mother of the Year

I figure if you're going to get screamed at, may as well have some fun with it.

Missing

Dude. Remember Snaily? Ran away. Shit you not.

Highlights

I meant to write this yesterday, but came home and passed out instead. Y'all, 5 am is EARLY.

* I had a minor meltdown yesterday of the "I don't have anything to wear!" variety. It's too hot for the girdle. I've had three inmates ask if I'm pregnant. The majority of my coworkers have commented on how much weight I've lost. They've never seen me not pregnant, but still. I don't mention the 20lbs I still have to go.

* I wore shoes! And have the blisters to prove it! Turns out 4 months of flip flops = sissy feet

* I was missed. The other shrinks seemed genuinely excited to have me back. Some of the inmates literally bounced with joy. I'm not narcissitic enough to think I'm really all that super awesomely great, but I'll take it.

* C sent me videos all day. Yesterday they showed how Syd took a 4 hour nap, Eli cleaned his room, and everyone was doing great. All smiles and happy family fun. Today's was a Blair Witch style video of Syd crying and a close up of C saying simply "This is how my day's going. Come home soon."

* I really enjoyed getting back to the chaos. There were fights, suicide attempts, even a total lockdown. Twas awesome.

* I pumped. This has been the biggest adventure. I've done it five times now, and so far I've been walked in on, splashed milk across my desk, and the alarm** has gone off twice just as I got "hooked in". (Also, random well-meaning people have asked really invasive questions, usually followed by "Isn't that supposed to burn a lot of calories?" Those same people don't get the hint about getting out of my office, btw.)

**We each carry an alarm that looks like a garage door opener. If you press it, it sets off an alarm in whatever building you're in. Officers come running to see what the danger is. They check every person and every room. It NEVER goes off in my building.

* And the best part? I totally FLASHED A COWORKER today. Seriously. I was being all incognito as I came out of my office, bag of pump parts in my hand, headed to the bathroom. She looks up from her lunch and very obviously stares at my boobs. After about 10 million minutes she says, questioningly, "Your shirt." I look down and realize that I have neglected to pull my lacy cami back up over my boobs, thereby giving her quite an eyeful. Thank God I work across from the other woman in the office. I think we're closer friends now. And I'm pretty sure she owes me dinner.

I'm getting into the swing of things and trying to get back into a routine. I miss the kids like crazy, but I'm happy to be back.

Back to reality

I go back to work on Monday, after more than three months at home. On one hand, I'm super excited to go back. I really enjoy my job, and I'm definately ready to talk to some grown-ups. I overheard C tell someone the other day "I think she'd dance on a table just for some adult conversation." I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm pretty certain I am not cut out for this stay-at-home thing. My tone has gotten harsher and my threats of selling one or both of my children aren't quite as empty anymore. It's really not how I want my kids to think about our time together.

On the other hand, MY BABIES!!!! I have loved being able to just hang out with both of them. Yesterday, as Syd and I woke up together, I realized that that was going to be a strictly weekend treat. No more leisurely mornings playing in bed. No more snuggling with Eli on the couch before nap time. I've worked out my schedule so that I should be able to get home before naptime's over, but that also means that five out of seven days I'll miss the morning smiles. Right now that's breaking my heart.

I know that it's in all of our best interests for me to go back to work. We've grown accostomed to a certain lifestyle and I think it'd be really hard for us to live without luxuries like electricity, food, and DVR. I also know that once I'm back in the swing of it, I will be much happier as a working mom. And when mama's happy... But right now all I see is the time away, the commute time, Syd's tinyness.

There's also the logistics. Going back to work means putting grown-up clothes back on. I'm still about 15 pounds from where I started, so that means that to put on any of my old clothes I have to wear a "body shaper" (read: girdle). SEXY. And in 100+ weather, even better. Don't even get me started on the shoe situation. They should really tell you that your feet will grow when you're pregnant, and may not go back. And pumping! I didn't pump with Eli so this whole thing is blowing my mind. I had to get special security clearance for the pump (that was a super-fun conversation, btw). Now I'm trying to figure out how it's going to work. I'm totally expecting my boss to walk in on me, topless and hooked up to the hoses. Which will startle me, causing me to spill milk all over my desk. Which will short out my computer. Which I'll then have to explain to the IT guys. Then I'll have to call an inmate to come mop the floor since we're not "authorized" to use a mop. That'll be awe.some. OR, I'll totally forget to be civilized, since I've spent the last two months with a newborn and a preschooler, and let one rip during a meeting or ask someone if they "need to go potty". Oh the possibilities...

All that to say, I'm going back to work next week. If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it, especially regarding the pumping and the wardrobe. I know the kids will be fine (C's going to be home for a month, so they're still not going to daycare full-time yet) and I know that I'm going to miss them like crazy. But better to miss them and cherish our time together than to wake up dreading the prospect of getting screamed at all day and trying to keep us all from killing each other. MOTY.

They're cute little monsters, aren't they?

How sweet is this?

I am loving all these little moments I walk in on. He had been singing a long involved song to her but got a little "camera shy"

*I couldn't get two videos into one post, so there's another cute one after this (end shameless plug for my children)