Monday, April 5, 2010

Yeah. Thanks. Or something.

Here's the thing. I'm short. Not like TLC special short, but shorter than average. And the thing with short pregnant people is that the baby has nowhere to go but out. I've been lucky this pregnancy that it's mostly belly (as opposed to the last one that was just a hot mess all around) but the belly is big. On top of that, Eli was almost 9 pounds, which leads me to believe that this baby is also on the *healthy* side. So I'm no stranger to comments about my size. For example

Are you having twins?
Nope, just the one.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure
But you're so big!


You look about ready to pop!
Almost, just a couple months left
No way! Are you sure?
Pretty sure
But you're so big!

See the theme here?

So take that comment magnet and then plop it right in the middle of 4000 women who haven't seen a pregnant woman in months or even years. Add to that some questionable social skills and tact, and you have my day.

DAMN! I didn't know you could be ten months pregnant!
Are you having twins? (Seriously, I get this one all. the. time. from everyone)
That must be a BIG baby!
How can you even walk?
Are you sure it's not twins?
Are you STILL pregnant?
Are you having a baby? (not always the brightest questions, admittedly)
And the always awesome "Guess we know what you were doing!"

And on and on and on. I would guess that at least 150 people comment on my belly everyday. Most are of the "Damn! That's a big bitch!" variety but there's a good sampling of "ahhs!" and "God bless you"s for balance. And I can now say belly in at least three languages. But still. I know I'm big. I know I'm outgrowing my maternity clothes. I'm pretty sure that it's not twins. So thanks universe. I get it. We can move on now.

*I know I'll miss this when it's over, so my intentions are partly to vent and partly to memorialize. I lead a weird life, and this is one of the benefits.

*Also, when I was pregnant I think one person total ever touched my belly uninvited. This time around, people are touching me left and right (although not inmates, just staff and strangers). That is some weird shit, and if I get much more irritated someone may end up with a stump. What the fuck is that? I don't go petting you just for the hell of it.


  1. One of my friends is right there with you-except no inmates. She is all belly (5'3), due around the same time, has big babies (last one 10 lbs) and her doctor has checked her 3 times to make sure it isn't twins. I ran into her at Trader Joe's the other day and witnessed pretty much exactly what you described. A stranger hones in on the belly, arms out stretched, picks up their pace and walks towards the belly, all the while saying something like "Twins?" "This baby will be coming at any moment." When she says she still has a couple of months to go it gets ugly. "Are you sure?" "Is your doctor concern". I was dumb founded, it was like the Twilight Zone had swept over Trader Joe's. What happen to social graces, and sensitivity? Like you said these aren't inmates.

  2. Oh my god this cracked me up. I am 5'2", so yeah. Lots of that both times. Women don't like to hear that they're big. Period. Also, the touching-- hated it! I bet your belly is adorable!

  3. I feel your pain - being the exact same size and bearer of hefty babies. It stunned and amazed me that strangers felt all right about rubbing my belly. A few times I was tempted to reach out and rub theirs, but that would just be weird and gross. I loved, LOVED, my belly and didn't mind people looking and didn't mind looks of sympathy when waddling in a straight line became difficult, and certainly didn't mind offers of help at stores. But - please just touch with your eyes. However, I'd love to rub your belly right now. Love you.

  4. definitely time for maternity leave. ironic that it's the staff/strangers touching the belly and NOT the inmates....hmmmmmmm.