Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I used to know this girl...

But then her head exploded because 1) she was crazy and 2) see number one. Seriously. I don't know how much of this I can handle. Logically, I can tell you this: My world has been very LOUD lately. Syd does this awesome screaming thing all. the. time. Eli talks constantly. At work, the women are doing a lot of psych hospital type yelling and also some verbal assaults. I forgot how desensitized you can become to being called several creative and not so creative slurs. I'd been called a bitch several times by the end of Monday. I've got a couple of cases at work that are getting attention from higher-ups, not necessarily in a good way but in a "not sure we're confident she knows what she's doing" (though I totally do) way. Though my caseload is low (thank you Summer!), the clients I have are very demanding right now. AND I have no car and no plan to remedy that situation. Also, though I totally refuse to acknowledge that it might have something to do with anything, a certain *something* came back for the first time since Syd was born, which if you count is the first appearance in over two years if you count the miscarriage before Syd.

I can say all those things logically, but I've got to say that I feel just one step away from losing it. I went back to the dealership, where I had a lovely hour with a salesman and then was given a price higher than the one yesterday! Syd, with the screaming. And if she does, by some miracle go to sleep, she's usually got one hand down my shirt like some teenage boy at his first basement party. And there's so much talking. And for the past two days I've eaten stale cupcakes for dinner. And there are lists, and lists, and lists of lists. The stupid van is still stupid and the borrowed behemoth took $25 in gas to run errands tonight. So using it for the 1800 mile road trip next week? Will. be. awesome. OH! AND one of Eli's friends mothers wrote me an "informative e-mail" suggesting that Eli hit and punched her daughter before calling her stupid and therefore causing her to never want to go to school again. Um. No. I'm the first to acknowledge that Eli's a little different and that he marches to his own beat, but I can say with at least 95% certainty that that shit didn't happen. And I can say with 100% certainty that if it did, someone would have told me about it. So back the f off, chick.

I know I'm the one responsible for my attitude, and generally I'm pretty good at staying optimistic. I hate getting in this rut because I know what I'm doing (perpetuating my frustration and ruining my overall sunny disposition) and yet I can't seem to kick myself out of it. I tried to visualize what it would be that would make me feel more settled, but I'm in such a funk that I can't even imagine something working out in my favor. This place is so pathetic, and yet, here I am.

I think my first step is going to be to throw out the cupcakes...

1 comment:

  1. Ack! Hang in there mama!! It seems like this kind of stuff just piles on all at once and you will make it through!!