Monday, February 11, 2013

9 months (aka "The Crazy Time")

During a meeting at work today, which consisted of my boss, psychiatrists, sergeants, and other relatively non-casual co-workers I engaged in the following conversation:

Me: He's a pedophile, and all he seems to want to talk about is that he's a pedophile
Boss: Maybe we should put him on male-only and move him to a different cell (BTW: I find the whole "male only" thing very patronizing. But different post for a different day.)
Me: I don't think that matters
Boss: Why?
Me: Because we're too old. He seems pretty invested in the pedophile part. He's gross.
Boss: Did you diagnose him with that?
Me: Among other things. And the last time he came to prison it was for breaking a prostitute's arm with an axe handle
Boss: Well, you know sometimes they...
Me: Get uppity and need to be taught a lesson. I know.

At which point, NOBODY laughed. Seriously. Luckily I looked across the table in time to see the 65 year old psychiatrist laughing silently. OMG. Who wouldn't laugh?! That was gallows humor gold!

I've started working half-days and it's not a moment too soon. Much longer and I was going to be in danger of getting in trouble. We all share an office, which already makes it a little cozy, but now that my internal censor is gone there's a lot of tongue biting. And subtle acts of rebellion, like password protecting various shared documents that people keep screwing up. It's getting crazy in here!

In other news, the nesting continues but looks like this:

Think of an idea. Get mad that C hasn't already done said idea. Frantically convince self that idea needs done ASAP. Glare at C. Sit on couch and/or go shopping. Give up on idea. Blame C. Go to bed.

It's awesome. It also means that I dropped a ridiculous amount of money at IKEA this weekend. So we may not have diapers or clothes to fit what looks to be a freakishly small (for us) baby (because OF COURSE I gave away all our newborn clothes and most of the 0-3, because Syd was enormous!) and the crib is still in pieces but we do have a new bedspread that's not white, new turquoise plates, and three separate vibrating/bouncy seats.

Other things I've done to get ready for the baby:
Stopped watching any shows on Hulu so I'll have a backlog
Bought a robe and camis at Forever 21 with the hope that this will finally be the baby that gets a decent hospital picture where I don't look like an awkward, greasy 14 year old and my nipples aren't on full display (Thank God for photoshop)
Bought Eli, Syd, and baby Big Brother, Big Sister, and Little Sister shirts (you know, the essentials)
Begged Syd to consider potty training. Her response? "Maybe after Baby Waldo's born." Gah!!!

Lord help us. This baby's coming in two and a half weeks.


  1. 2 and a half weeks!! Yay!! This post is hilarious. And I have done the same kid of "essential"planning. Meanwhile, I have NOTHING ready for the hospital and no babysitters or emergency plans in the works, but the baby has a shit load of hats with big flowers and some crocheted ruby slippers from Etsy. (yeah).

  2. HA! I laughed!! And, had I been in that meeting with you, I would have laughed really loud. :) EEEKS! Two and a half weeks!!! SO EXCITED!!!!!! I'm sure the baby is going to absolutely love those turquoise dishes. :)

  3. Ha ha! Love your version of nesting and baby prep... I'd say that is more normal than sitting in a rocking chair in a done up nursery just waiting with your hospital bag packed :)

  4. Dude. I think no one laughed cause they are three steps behind you. Did they seriously not get the problem was he liked kids & is gross?
    Love the normalcy of prison storries juxtaposited with nesting storries. Pure awesomeness.