So now that that's done, I'll go back to being Susie Sunshine. It's better than the alternative, which apparently is to freak the fuck out.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Is this how it's going to be?
The shock of yesterday is starting to wear off, and it's so interesting to see how people are reacting to the reality of all of the layoffs and uncertainty. I talked to a friend today who said she felt like nobody was as heartbroken as she was, that she felt somehow that she was taking this too hard. Another friend spent all day on the verge of tears. Work today was pretty sparse, so I don't know what some people are doing. I'm guessing that there's a lot of drinking and bad tv. After the tears yesterday, I switched into this almost-obnoxious PollyAnna mode. "This could be a great opportunity! We're all going to be FINE! We'll make this work!" And I meant it. But I woke up this morning, and in that haze right after your eyes open, I thought to myself "Fuck. That really happened." And then I started thinking about what it all meant. What seemed like plenty of time yesterday seems like nothing today. I realized that we'll most likely have to move. I hate this town, but I love our friends. Eli won't be able to finish kindergarten with his friends. Syd will have to leave her beloved teachers. More packing, more moving, more trying to fit in and figure out and more more more. And before I know it I'm crying in the shower at the unfairness and the overall suckiness. But I can't live there, so I pull myself back together and go to work. I'm glad I went. I got some good leads on possible positions (including some really awesome possibilities). I got organized and back in "job search mode." It was good. There's part of me though that is really trying to avoid other people. C was great when I told him, but you can tell he's freaked out. And he freaks out by picking fights about totally insignificant stuff, so it seems like every time I talk to him I get yelled at. Which is awesome. My friends are all facing the same crisis, so understandably not a lot of sympathy going on. Like I said, I cannot wallow in this. Getting shit done is kind of my specialty, and shit doesn't get done if you sit around freaking out or feeling sorry for yourself or obsessing over the location of the couch. On the other hand, I would really like someone else to be my shoulder just for a minute. Because this sucks. I love my job. I planned on being there a long time. Now I'm not. My friends all have their own obstacles, and that sucks too. It sucks going to work and being expected to reassure people who are most likely quite safe. It sucks when people say "This place is going to suck without you" because I. Don't. Care. I cannot be expected to feel sorry for you. It sucks that I'm questioning how much to tell my other lay-off victims, knowing that I could be competing with them for the same job. It sucks to see people who are less qualified sit easy because they've skated by for five years and therefore outrank me. It sucks that I'll have to find a new daycare, a new grocery store, a new park, a new house. A new fucking job. It all just fucking sucks.
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I wish I was there right now. I don't know what to say and just had a tearful shower, myself. The only positive things I can think of is that you didn't buy a house and you didn't like Fresno. That's all I have. All the other stuff is just as sucky as you say - leaving a job you love, kids, school, yelling, friends, job hunting, packing, moving. It all sucks, but you'll be all right.
Oh my, just am catching up on blog reading after mini coast vacation and good gracious that is terrible news! I am so, so sorry. Although I really don't think F-town (;-) would ever be the right place for you, I am still so, so sorry. Moving, finding new schools and all is so stressful. The not knowing is too. I had to laugh as you deal with this kind of stuff exactly as I do (surprise, surprise)a constant vacillating between the logical and the emotional. I so get what you mean by the tears for what is lost, the freaking out because of the stress along side of the excitement for what is to come. I always get frustrated when I feel emotional over things that I know logically are good. If only my emotions and logic could always align, eh? Know that your e-friend is here if you want a non-partial shoulder to cry on or analyze the situation to. (J doesn't freak out quiet like C but he does sort of retreat into a state of inertia that drives my LETS SOLVE THIS NOW AND ACT self nuts. Not going to solve it by avoiding it.)
I'm really sorry. :( I almost didn't grasp your 1st blog--I had this shocked "no way" reaction just to reading it...so I can't imagine being in it. It seems like you were just starting to get your feet under you.
I really hope that great things (including a great job) come your way soon. You're rad & a great psychologist and it's totally lame that lazier and less competent people get to stay b/c of a retarded hierarchy. But you're right, it's no good getting stuck there...(although, I would be sad and angry for weeks...probably not productive, as it seems you've been). I hope you're doing okay.
Oh no!! I am so, so sorry to hear this. We dealt with this last year, and I freaked the freak out, so I have an idea of the stress you are feeling. I hope this turns out to be a wonderful opportunity, but I know it doesn't feel that way right now.
It really sucks... I think what sucks most is losing the community of friends and family we had all built here. After grad school everyone was finally looking forward to settling in and now it's back to "starting over" all over again. I feel so bad for everyone :(
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