Thursday, May 26, 2011


I'm sitting here feeling a bit homesick, which as I thought about it got a little muddier. Where exactly was I sick for?

Colorado? I was born and raised in the mountains, and there are moments when we go back that I feel so completely and utterly at ease that I'm tempted to pack us up and build a yurt in the middle of nowhere. The mountains, the sky, deer and cougars and bears and skunks...The near-perfect weather. I miss snow and 300+ days of sunshine. I miss skiing and hiking ten minutes from home. I miss "Colorado time" where "7:00" meant anywhere between 6:30 and 8:00. I miss seeing more pick-ups than minivans and knowing that every truck was a 4WD. I miss family.

Portland? I was meant to live in Portland. I want to put a bird on everything I own. In Portland I walked down the street like I owned the place. The best way I can describe it is that I knew how to be in Portland. I felt like we fit in, I knew where to find my village. I love the art, the weirdness, the family that we created and imported in Oregon. I miss the shared misery in March at yet another rainy day and the joy that fills the air when the sun breaks through. I miss the expectation that you recycle, reuse, and "reduce your footprint." I miss restaurants that advertise gluten-free, octo-vegan, pescatarian, locavore... I miss coffee shops and people watching and public transportation.

Minnesota? I miss our friends. I miss the down-home, basic values. I miss the expectation that of course you are a mom. I miss the malls (weird as that sounds). I miss cheese curds and state fairs and ren faires. I miss Minnesota Nice, Viking nation, and the feeling of accomplishment after you survive another sub-zero day.

We are home. We intend to be here awhile, and it's really starting to grow on me, but I'm having a hard time finding the little things I would miss. I've tried talking to people who've lived here awhile, but I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for. There's a huge market that I like, and I love that we're so close to amazing forests and beautiful coast towns, but I haven't really found my niche here. I know it's somewhere, but for the life of me it continues to be elusive. I don't want to sound pouty, but rather I'm just noticing what an unusual feeling it is to not feel like I'm "clicking" here. It'll happen. I'm sure of it. I just can't picture where or what it'll be. And I can't really figure out what's missing. Our friends are awesome, the school is great, I love my job and C is working on getting into school. But I don't have a place where I have that settled feeling, a place I want to go to every weekend. A place that calls me when I start to feel disconnected. A place where I feel like I get it. Though I have this, and this works too. I guess these crazy people will have to do.


  1. That made me sad. You've had more "homes" than I've had so it's hard to relate to being homesick for each one in a different way. You've always found your place, wherever you are, and you'll find it there, too. (You have been pretty busy.) I feel homesick for Supai because a part of me is always there - and I miss and need that part. Love you!

  2. Thanks for posting this--I can so relate. Lately I've been wondering if the time-limited nature of my previous "homes" made settling into my niche more imminent. I threw myself into living fully with reckless abandon...knowing that I would be moving in a year, or 2, or 4. Now that I'm "settled," I am noticing that I'm not approaching finding that niche in the same way. I'm expecting it to happen, but also surprised that it hasn't yet.

    Looking forward to hearing about your passage through this (b/c you're rad & I know you'll have a niche sooner or later)!