Tuesday, January 31, 2012

You'd think I'd learn

Yes, I know. She's not two yet. Oh, sweet precious baby and all that. But you and I both know that she's been two since the day she was born. I forget certain things about Syd, and about two year olds in general, and so I find myself getting completely flustered, agitated, and angry over things that are 100% predictable. So in the case that I ever have another two year old, I'm writing this handy-dandy list for myself.
1) Don't leave markers lying around. Don't leave pens lying around. Don't leave crayons unattended. For the love of God, drill into C's head that he will never, in no uncertain terms, leave any of his millions of sharpies lying around. Because you or someone like you will fail at this, try baby wipes, then toothpaste, then nail polish remover. Then cry, then touch up the paint/shampoo the chair/give up. It's not like this is the first time.
2) Don't suggest that anything's a choice if really it's not. "Do you want to change your diaper?" rarely is answered in the affirmative. Neither is "Do you want to take a bath?," "Do you want to sit on your bottom?," "Do you want to put on your pants?," or "Do you want to stop coloring on the walls?"
3) Walk away. There is no reasoning with crazy people, and two year olds are crazy. You know better. When you do this in public, other people judge you and you look like an idiot. An idiot trying to reason with a tiny human who is currently screaming and pounding the floor. Just grab her and walk away. Oh, and hold on tight. Because she IS going to either go completely rigid or completely dead weight, and then you'll be the asshole mom who nearly drops her screaming toddler as she's speedwalking out of Target.
4) Order in. Do not, repeat, do not try to go to a restaurant unless it specifically caters to parents of toddlers. A two year old has no interest in sitting for the duration of a meal at home. In public? You're lucky to get ten minutes. Then see #3. Really, it's just so much easier to order in. You'll all be happier for it, and no one has to wear pants.
5) Cherish the kisses, hugs, sleepy bedhead, " 'Ank You Mama"s, crazy laughs, break your heart adorable-ness. It's God's way of making sure you don't sell her.


  1. Amen. You totally crack me up! All so true. The only thing I add is swearing under my breath while speedwalking out of Target. And her yelling daddy. Of course he is the better parent. :)

  2. Oh, I laughed, & laughed & laughed. I think it is so much harder to remember those steps when # 1 was/is so neat, logical, self controlled & cautious. At 9 months Hannah already is utterly determined, fearless & stubborn. So please keep the Syd, the freakin too cute for words Syd, lessons comming! I need them.

  3. Ha ha, all quite true! Another one I have to add is "don't leave a full roll of toilet paper on the holder in the bathroom - it's just BEGGING to be unrolled and jammed into the toilet creating a mini flood." I don't know why I've allowed this to happen to me multiple times, you would think I would learn!